“THE” ‘PICKUP’

There is something about driving a pickup truck that appeals to almost every male over 40 years of age.  It seems that a pickup supports the MACHO image in the lot of us.   We somehow just don’t feel right riding around in a “Road-master” while wearing jeans, cowboy boots, a tee shirt and a ‘Ten Gallon Hat’.

Besides; the argument can be that A Genuine, Sharp Truck,” can be more useful for the needs around a Farm, than can a car, and still maintain, “THE IMAGE.”

A “Sleeping Bag:” A “Coleman Lantern;”  An “Ice Chest;”  A “Length of Canvass;” and a couple of “Ropes;”  can easily convince ‘The Little Woman,’ that “An Overnight Room;” travels with you, on that “Deep-Sea Fishing Trip:”  “And it’s for FREE!”

“WAIT  A  ‘MINUTE,”   “Let’s back up, here.”  “We just realized ‘again,’ that our lovely roommate has been against those fishing trips for years.” 

“Let’s Begin again, with the original appeal.  “Just a basic truck; we “Plead.”   “We are too old for those overnight fishing trips anyway.”  The feasibility of  purchasing a “PICK-UP” is finally agreed upon; “Both by ‘Party of the first part;’  and  ‘Party of the second part.’ 

Once this is done: Then comes the hard part.  Shopping for a truck is much harder than shopping for a dress.  You can’t just pick a color and a style and buy it.  There’s much more involved here.

First there is the make and model.  This is important because it ‘MUST look like a MAN’S truck.  Some of them look as if they were designed with women in mind. This simply will NOT cut it.  It must look tough, ride rough, and at the same time be “SHARP.”  Sometimes, this presents a problem because most designers do not realize that we demand a certain “look” in our trucks.

Then comes the decision of what size engine should our vehicle have.  Should we go with the 2.4 liter, 4 cylinder; or the 3.6 liter V-6?   In many cases, this leaves us mystified since we really don’t know what a liter is:  So, we take a guess.  Gear ratio is next and again; we pick the ratio that is standard in “that pretty little red one.”

Automatic or standard shift is no problem since no “red blooded American male” would be caught dead, driving an automatic shift in a pickup.  The fact that our spouse cannot drive a “four in the floor” vehicle, has not crossed our minds.

After we have decided on the right one, then come the “extras.”  Pin stripes have to  be added. Flared fenders are a must:  Mud flaps should be standard; but they are not so we add them. 

A gun rack should be added in the rear window as well as fake flames seeming to come from under the hood.  “Chrome, “MAG” wheels and oversized tires as well.  And a “Mack- Bulldog” ornament for the hood cannot be left out.

There are “west coast” mirrors to be considered as well as a 16 ton trailer hitch’.  An ‘electric Winch’ on the front bumper, and ‘Fog Lights’ should have completed the additions; but we had almost forgotten about the ‘Bed Liner’ and the ‘Saddlebag Tool Box.’ We will need them sooner or later, so why not get them now?

The fact that we have turned a basic, $8,000.00 truck into a $26,452.74 vehicle does not in the least bother us.  We now own the most powerful, the sharpest; the most unique; the most ‘envied vehicle;’ in our area, and we can “CRUISE” in it knowing perfectly well that our “MASCULINE” “IMAGE” image has been preserved.

After driving our “Dream Machine” home, another problem arises.  The roommate asks us to carry the trash to the dump and haul a load of dirt to go in her flower beds.

How can we tell her that “You just DON’T put trash and dirt in “THIS” truck like you would an ordinary one.”  She simply does not understand.  She says to get a trailer.  “But that will scratch the chrome trailer hitch,” I reply.

The problem is solved by carrying the trash to the dump in the back seat of the “Roadmaster;” and forgetting about the flower beds.  Besides, I haven’t waxed the truck yet.

At last:  I’m satisfied that my IMAGE is secured, and I am ready for anything….

“VA-ROOM, VA-ROOM”….“Look out, world;”  “Here we come.”

Most of the time; I hate to confuse myself with facts.   Dj.