“THE TEST”

Like most folks in this Country, I had a job for many years. “I worked.” “They paid me.”. “I paid my taxes.” It was here, when I was required to ‘fork-over’ an unreasonable amount of my income; to be used for what is supposed to be my share, (according to The I.R.S.), of the expense of running the Government, and for making and enforcing the laws;

The members of the Congress manages these funds; and are also charged with deciding which Country we are ‘mad-at’, enough to threaten imposing ‘sanctions,’ if they don’t do exactly like we would have them do. Therefore, our ‘esteemed’ Government, distributes this tax money as they “SEE FIT.”

What makes the cheese more binding is: — In order for ‘little old me’ to get that measly tiny paycheck, I was required to pass a random “URINE TEST,” (with which, I had no problem, and gladly ‘peed-in-the-bottle’ ).

What I DID have a problem with; was the distribution of my tax money to the folks who are NOT REQUIRED to pass this “Urine Test.” “What is really unjust are the facts they are not even required to WORK:

SO: Here is my main concern. “Since I was required to pass this ‘URINE TEST,’ before I could earn this Tax Money: “Shouldn’t other folks be required to pass the same “URINE TEST;” before they get those same dollars for doing nothing to earn them; except spend the hard-earned money on drugs; that; “We are “REFUSED?” “Unfair!”

THEREFORE; “I hereby give my notice:” “If nominated; I will not run:” “If elected; I will not serve:”
“GO:” “Pick on somebody, your own size!” Demijon

VICTORIA’S SECRET:

In another era, MODESTY,was the byword for the female of the species. A lady would not think of venturing beyond the confines of her bedroom without her high neck, ankle length dress. No more so than she would think of patronizing a local; “HONKY-TONK.”

Gradually, however: Fashions changed and hemlines crept to mid-calf and then to the knee. A few intrepid females were intrigued by the new found freedom to emphasize comfort above extreme encumbrance; and began to appear in public in what was then, considered scandalous attire.

Little changed until some enterprising individual invented the “PANTY-HOSE”; thus eliminating the Garter-Belt. It was along about this time when fashion designers conceived the idea that less is better. All of these changes in women’s clothing created a mild sensation among members of the masculine gender; insofar as they were not required to rely on imagination alone.

Along with these major fashion changes came scores of Manufacturers of exotic underwear, as well as outer wear; each with their own catalogs. Although most were somewhat expensive, they nevertheless were sought by many as an accessory to what otherwise would be a less than appealing wardrobe.

Today, unlike the olden days, these items are accepted as an intricate part of ‘Milady’s Wardrobe’; much to the delight of their male counterparts. There is generally no embarrassment, today; in scanning the pages of Victoria’s Secret catalog or browsing, along with their spouse, among the displayed items in one of their stores.

I personally have visited a few of these shops while my wife searched for that special item, and have, as well, turned a few pages of “Frederick’s of Hollywood,” “Glamour:” As well as “Victoria’s Secrets” Catalogs; and I believe that I am qualified to report that………
“Victorias?; To put it bluntLy; “Well-sr; My friend:” “SHE SIMPLY AIN’T GOT NO SECRETS!”
Demijon “NEXT CASE!”

“KICK ANY TIRE!”

A TRUE STORY.
The ancient Pontiac coughed its way to a stop at the curb in front of my house. The two occupants appeared oblivious of the thick smoke emitting from the engine compartment. In the back seat along with two shotguns, was an assortment of beer cans that had obviously been tossed at random from the front.

Slightly unsteady on their feet, they emerged and assumed what they hoped was the posture of a friendly used car salesman. I rushed to the scene and began desperately to search for the latch that would release the hood and make an attempt to extinguish the threat of fire. “Don’t worry about it;” they said in unison. “We’ll arrange the payments to suit you,” slurred the driver. “This baby is good for many thousands of miles,” “Hardly broken in.” chimed his partner.

Refusing to allow me access to the cause of the smoke, they continued with their presentation. “Owned by a little old lady who only drove it to Church;” said the driver. “Kept it in a steam-heated garage;” added the passenger.

The smoke by this time, had diminished to the point that the dull gray paint was visible. “A little polish, and this gem will shine like new money.” The driver insisted. “Go ahead. Kick any tire,” “You’ll see that it’s solid as a rock.” “They don’t make vehicles like this anymore.” said the passenger; as the sales pitch continued.

When both the driver and the passenger realized that they could not finalize the sale, they agreed to the hood being raised. When As the smoke cleared, it was immediately evident that this vehicle had suffered a major catastrophe.

In the side of the engine was a gaping hole where a piston had burst through the thick metal of the block. The oil spattered, wooden floorboard, was charred and the smell of burning rubber permeated the air.

“Just a minor problem, that a pair of vice-grip pliers and a piece of hay-bale wire will fix.” said the driver. “You’re still welcome to ‘KICK ANY TIRE.” The passenger insisted. Are you positive you don’t want to buy it?”

When they both finally decided that their sales pitch had fallen on deaf ears; they resumed their station inside the still smoking vehicle. With a bit of effort; they started it and drove off, leaving behind a huge puddle of oil on the curb.

The dull grey, Pontiac sat in a field for a number of years until two employee’s from “HIGH-CLASS JUNK YARD” agreed to remove it. On the tow truck was a spare battery that they installed in the monster. One of them climbed inside, turned the key and the engine roared to life. Laughter from my two friends was heard for two blocks as the man ‘DROVE’ the “Cream Puff” to the junk yard.

At this point, I had to agree with the two who tried so hard to sell me this vehicle. It’s a well known fact that; ‘They don’t make them like that anymore.’

Demijon

“WISE MEN.”

As I listened again to the reading of the Christmas Story; the realization of the difference in our daily lives suddenly dawned on me. Where was CNN’s complete coverage of a live event? How would we, today; have reacted to the news of the birth of a baby in an obscure town? A child, who was said to be The Christ; without first hearing it from a Reporter via satellite? Would we merely wait until an anchor person said, “Here; reporting live from Bethlehem; is our correspondent, Abe Preston: With all the details?”

Or, perhaps: Would we expect the convening of a special session of The United Nations; to announce special news, such as this? What would be the reaction from The White House? Would we discount the news as an attempt to gain recognition from that little group of radical Shepherds? Would their reports of an Angel appearing, before them; indicate that these folks had been in the desert too long? Was the bright star another cover-up of a secret Governmental Project?

And what about The Three Kings? Were they mobbed by reporters and camera crews while on their way to pay homage to a child, born of unknown parentage? Why were they not informed first, instead of that small group of frightened men who smelled of sheep?

Who would be the first to write a book about their experiences? Were the streets of Bethlehem jammed with camera trucks and miles of cables when they arrived? Were Secret Service agents assigned to protect the parents, The Child and The Kings? OR.–

Would we react much in the same way as the Shepherds and Kings who were chosen as recipients of the good news? They accepted on faith; that the appearance of Angels, The Voices, and the Bright Star were, Indeed; signs from “GOD:” informing them that the prophecies with which they all were familiar, had come to pass. They did not hesitate, but simply came and worshiped a Savior.

This certainly causes one to wonder. With all of today’s modern technology at our disposal? Can we really consider ourselves……WISE MEN?

Demijon

“B. C. “

The era was the late 1940’s – early 1950’s. Practically every item which was in use at the time was constructed of either steel, wood, or a combination of both. Of course, there were a few other materials around, but primarily industry was dependant upon these two components.
Then something happened that changed our lives probably more than any other event in our history. Someone, somewhere, invented “PLASTIC”.
Today, those of us who remember the so-called “good old days” sometimes wonder just how we survived before the invention of this, the greatest innovation since the wheel.
Plastics are found in almost every item that is marketed for use by consumers. An example of the widespread use was brought to my attention some months ago when my work as a handyman required me to keep notes in some semblance of order within the confines of my service truck. I purchased a magnet equipped clipboard to hold these notes, and immediately found that the entire inner surface of my truck was fabricated with plastic instead of what I assumed was steel; therefore, rendering the magnet useless.
Cabinets for televisions, computers, small kitchen appliances, handles, containers and even some major furniture consist of this ingenious material. This multifaceted substance can be shaped and molded into almost any configuration which makes it indispensable to manufacturing, and the cost is much less which contributes to a lower price for the consumer. “A wonderful product indeed”.
The development of new products did not end here. In fact, the surface was hardly scratched. New and improved methods were swiftly becoming the by-word with industry as more exciting changes were introduced as proof of the adage that “Nothing is certain except change.”
Although not surprising to many of the ones who do not remember sitting glued to a battery powered radio and cringing while the sounds of a creaking door emitted from the speaker during the broadcast of a “Supposed MURDER;” is the fact that pictures and sound can be bounced off satellites and into their homes from thousands of miles away.
To the few of us who still believe that man was not meant to fly, this is nothing short of a miracle. We are grateful for this amazing discovery although we do not understand it. Television has opened a window to the world for many of us, thanks to the foresight of a few who dared to experiment and develop new techniques which make life much more enjoyable for the ones of us who were born during the dark ages and spent the majority of our lives in a period of time which has been referred to as….”B.C”. “BEFORE CABLE”. Demijon

“TO LEARN YOU.”

MORE PHILOSOPHICAL INFORMATION FROM THE ABRIDGED EDITION
OF THE ‘Demijon’ GRAMMAR SCHOOL DICTIONARY‘
“Use the meaning of the following words in a sentence”.
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AIRSTRIP: Mavis taken all her clothes off in front of the fan.
BIGOT: This here’s a nickname they give old “OT” Barfield; atter he got growed.
CALL GIRL: That “Call Girl” whot sez “number please” were rale nice.
DEPRESSED: Settin’ in that little seat on th’ bus “Depressed” my pants.
EGYPT: Th’ las’ time I swapped mules with old Joe; “Egypt” me.
FORECLOSING: “Fore Closing” th’ door, make shore it’s locked.
GANG: That sore on his foot got so bad that “Gang-Green” set in.
HARMONY: I borrowed some “Harmony” to “harr” me some help.
ICE CAP: When I come in outten that freezing rain, I took off my “Ice””Cap”.
JOINER: “Your sister went in th’ front room.” “You go “Joiner”
KNAPSACK: I was so tarred that I crawled into my “Knapsack” and slept.
LAMINATE: I cooked me a leg of “Laminate” it.
MALPRACTICE: Take that fiddle in there and make “Mal Practice” it.
NIPPONESE: You’ll cut yourself nipping on them glass bottles, “Nipponese’ plastic ’uns.
OAKUM: Let’s all stand and sing “Oakum” to th’ church in th’ Wild-Wood.”
PARADOX: Lem needs a “Paradox” to anchor both his boats.
QUARRY: Masie’s so set in her ways, she’s downright “Quarry”.
REVISED: When Jeb clamped them boards, they come undone, and he “Revised” ‘em.
SENDOFF: Hand me that Sears catalog so I can “Send Off” for some shoes.
TAILWIND: If you hadn’t eaten all them “beans, & Pizza,” your “Tailwind” wouldn’t smell so bad.
UNDERRATE: You can get in the Movie theater fer a quarter if you’re only “Underrate”.
VESTAL: Jethro; “Go out to the well an’ draw me a “Vestal” of water.”
WARFARE: Axe your Congressman jus’ how much th’ “Warfare” wuz; fer “World-War”-2.
XEROX: Them Mexicans want to know how many of “Xerox” you need.
YAWL: It shore were nice of “Yawl” to bring us a ‘Hamburger’.
ZEPHYR: Pull that “Sweater-Zephyr” up to your neck, or you’ll catch a cold.

“NOW; YOU KNOW!” Demijon

The Country Song

In years past I have made many attempts to write a country song.  I have given up on this idea since I simply do not have the necessary expertise in the area of suffering. 

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For Instance: I have never ridden a freight train.  My baby has never said goodbye.  I have never left tears on the jukebox.  Waitresses at the truck stop will have nothing to do with me.  The nearest river is only three feet deep.  I throw up after the second drink.  I discovered that the lady who answered the 1-900 number was 68 years old and weighed 378 pounds, and the only blues that I’ve ever had were overalls.

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Although I have had my share of troubles, they were not of the variety that record producers would break down my door and sign me to a multi-million dollar contract.  Also, I do not possess the necessary good looks or any gimmick that would guarantee them sufficient sales. 

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But suppose for a moment; that some obscure producer WOULD decide that the relating of my problems could propel me into the limelight.  How then, would my life be changed?

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On the jacket of the album would be a likeness of a gray-haired, 86 year old man with the tail of a work shirt hanging outside a pair of wrinkled shorts and a baseball cap adorning the ‘Closely-Shorn, white hair.  A battered guitar hanging by a piece of rope; held close to a 48-inch belly with dirty sneakers completing the attire.  Is this alone enough of a gimmick? “NO?” Then let’s play the record…

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The strains of the; “Out Of Tune,” Instrument begin as the ‘House Band’ from the studio makes a futile attempt to find the key and the offbeat timing.  THEN, the cracked voice begins with the first of several original songs, written especially for this album.

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“When I woke up this morning – my lawn mower wouldn’t crank – I pulled the rope, I checked the plug – There won’t no gas in the tank.  My pickup had a flat, you see, – the store was far away – The knee-high grass had waited this long – it’d wait ’til another day. Yo – de – la – dee – hoo”.                        

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“OR”

“I am tired, and so weary – this fast-paced life has done it – and if you don’t believe it – just hear the words of this sonnet.  My get up and go, has got up and went, — My stamina will not stam: So I’ll just sit here on my butt: – I really don’t give a damn.  Boom -ta – tee – boom – boom – bah.”                  

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“WELL:”

“It is rather strange that after the album is released, there have been no royalty checks or requests for personal appearances forthcoming.” “I suppose that it will take some time for the public to realize that another star has been made.”

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“Ahh:”  “The world of music is sometimes fickle”  “Are you sure that “MERLE HAGGARD” started this way?”  
“Or; Perhaps, “TINY-TIM?                                                                              

Demijon:

IT’s TIME FOR A “RE-RUN.”

 transportation-055.jpg
How well I remember the Model “A” Ford. This was the first Automobile that I can recall my family owning. It was a black, box-like, two-door sedan, powered by a four-cylinder engine, which provided our transportation for many years.

It sat regally, on 19-inch wire wheels with a spare wheel and tire attached to a horn-like mount at the rear of the body. In a day when power was not as important as efficiency, the up-draft carburetor, combined with the four cylinders and a manual “three in the floor” transmission was adequate to propel the vehicle at an accepted speed of around 35 miles per hour.

Starting the car was more complicated than merely turning a key.  Mounted on each side of the steering column were two levers. The left lever was the SPARK Lever; that signaled the electrical apparatus for more power.   The right Lever was a more fuel into the Carburetor when needed.

These levers must be operated in sequence. If the battery was charged, the first order of business was to turn the key to the on position. The spark lever was then raised to reduce the compression of the engine. Then the accelerator lever was lowered and with the right foot depressing the starter button, located at the junction of the floorboard and the firewall, the right hand must reach for and pull the choke rod, located in front of the passenger seat.

After the engine fired, the spark lever was lowered to smooth the idle of the engine. If the battery was dead, starting the car required two persons. While one manipulated the controls, the other stuck the manual crank through a hole just under the radiator and turned the crankshaft.

If, by chance, the car was parked on a hill; Manual starting could be accomplished by allowing the car to roll, placing the shift in second gear and “popping the clutch.”

Access to the rear seat was easily accomplished since the original “bucket” seats in front could be folded twice to allow for unencumbered entry. Many a young person learned to drive at an age when their legs were long enough to reach the ‘Clutch, Brake, and: Foot-Feed. when it was necessary to fold the backrest down in order to see through the windshield. However, the driver must be tall enough to reach the floor-mounted pedals and still see over the hood of the vehicle.

Although not provided as standard equipment, an accessory was available in the form of a manifold heater. This was simply a metal hood that could be attached to the manifold of the engine. The front of end of this “Extra”  sat over engine; nearest the fan and the front of the Fan was bell-shaped to allow air to be forced over the manifold and warmed. It was then directed through a hole in the firewall directly in front of the passenger side and into the car. However, this was much less efficient than the rest of the vehicle; therefore, winter travel required the use of comforters and / or warm clothing.

Maintenance usually was provided by the owner and was simplicity itself. It has been said that the “Model- A,” could be kept in tip-top condition for years with only a pair of “Vise-grip Pliers,” and a coil of “Hay-Bale Wire.” Unlike today’s jammed engine compartments, every part of the engine could be easily accessed. An occasional grease job, a few Oil changes and sporadic Spark Plug changes were pretty much the extent of required maintenance.

Although not as comfortable as our modern vehicles, the Model A served its owners well. Comparatively speaking, this vehicle was much more of a value at a cost of around six to eight hundred dollars than today’s everything automatic, computerized automobiles.

I would gladly purchase a new Model-A today and spend the rest of the $???,000 dollars plus;that is the going price for many of today’s automobiles, proudly chug-a-lugging along the nation’s highways. “I am not in that big a hurry anyway.”

I am surprised that the popularity of today’s antique automobile shows has not encouraged Ford Motor Company to re-invent the Model-A”.

If, by chance, they decide to bring the original plans out of mothballs, I will suggest to them that the first vehicle off the assembly line should be a coupe with a Rumble Seat and a Manifold Heater included as standard equipment.

Of course, an added incentive would be to offer the vehicle at the original price range of around $600,00 in order to appeal to cheapskates such as myself.

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“ANGER”

At one time or another, very few of us are excluded from this emotion.  We read or hear something that literally makes our blood boil.  Our first impulse is to retaliate in a rage using words or phrases that we will later regret.  The unmitigated fury that we feel instantly could possibly result in demeaning the person or persons responsible for the actions whereas by practicing a little restraint would, in most cases, temper our response enough to get our point across without undue indignity.  In many cases our revenge is aimed at those whom we love.

Not only is this method of stating our position on the matter(s) at hand usually ineffective but it can also be detrimental to our health.  Strong emotions such as the above can lead to stress, elevated blood pressure, ulcers, and in extreme situations, even heart attacks.

Controlling our need to ‘strike back’ is by no means easy.  Our nature is simply to use the strongest language in our vocabulary to convey our displeasure.  Just the other day, I observed a bumper sticker on a gorgeous pick-up truck which read: ”You touch-a my truck – I bust-a your face.”  Many of us live by this creed.  You know, “An Eye for an Eye.” 

Would it not have been much better to have the sticker read, “Please do not desecrate my vehicle?”  This would serve the same purpose without hostility and perhaps resorting to fist-I-cuffs as a way of retaliation.

I have finally found a way to better cope with severe emotional strain.  When I read or hear something which upsets me to the point of becoming angry, I simply write my views in the form of a letter or a rebuttal.  This gives me time to thoroughly analyze the original assertion and to think of reasons why I disagree.  When I have voiced my opinions on paper, my anger has partially dissipated and has been replaced with rationality.

In addition, by taking the time to thoroughly evaluate my response, this method allows me the opportunity to write things that would not have crossed my mind during the heat of an argument and I will have no need to later think, “I wish I had said thus and so.”

And what do I do with the paper when I finish venting my emotions?  I remove it from the printer, press the delete button on the task bar and; then “Make one pass through my Shredder.”  “Once the paper passes through the Shredder machine, I am relieved of all bitterness.”

Why not give it a try?  It works for me.  If no one else can suffer the blame for our Inexpressible actions; the only thing that will be accomplished; by the above duty;  is to eliminate the expression: “Speak in Haste – Regret at Leisure:” from our dialect”.  “It’s easier on your ‘Sunday Clothes’ too.”    Dj.

Demijon