“THE” ‘PICKUP’

There is something about driving a pickup truck that appeals to almost every male over 40 years of age.  It seems that a pickup supports the MACHO image in the lot of us.   We somehow just don’t feel right riding around in a “Road-master” while wearing jeans, cowboy boots, a tee shirt and a ‘Ten Gallon Hat’.

Besides; the argument can be that A Genuine, Sharp Truck,” can be more useful for the needs around a Farm, than can a car, and still maintain, “THE IMAGE.”

A “Sleeping Bag:” A “Coleman Lantern;”  An “Ice Chest;”  A “Length of Canvass;” and a couple of “Ropes;”  can easily convince ‘The Little Woman,’ that “An Overnight Room;” travels with you, on that “Deep-Sea Fishing Trip:”  “And it’s for FREE!”

“WAIT  A  ‘MINUTE,”   “Let’s back up, here.”  “We just realized ‘again,’ that our lovely roommate has been against those fishing trips for years.” 

“Let’s Begin again, with the original appeal.  “Just a basic truck; we “Plead.”   “We are too old for those overnight fishing trips anyway.”  The feasibility of  purchasing a “PICK-UP” is finally agreed upon; “Both by ‘Party of the first part;’  and  ‘Party of the second part.’ 

Once this is done: Then comes the hard part.  Shopping for a truck is much harder than shopping for a dress.  You can’t just pick a color and a style and buy it.  There’s much more involved here.

First there is the make and model.  This is important because it ‘MUST look like a MAN’S truck.  Some of them look as if they were designed with women in mind. This simply will NOT cut it.  It must look tough, ride rough, and at the same time be “SHARP.”  Sometimes, this presents a problem because most designers do not realize that we demand a certain “look” in our trucks.

Then comes the decision of what size engine should our vehicle have.  Should we go with the 2.4 liter, 4 cylinder; or the 3.6 liter V-6?   In many cases, this leaves us mystified since we really don’t know what a liter is:  So, we take a guess.  Gear ratio is next and again; we pick the ratio that is standard in “that pretty little red one.”

Automatic or standard shift is no problem since no “red blooded American male” would be caught dead, driving an automatic shift in a pickup.  The fact that our spouse cannot drive a “four in the floor” vehicle, has not crossed our minds.

After we have decided on the right one, then come the “extras.”  Pin stripes have to  be added. Flared fenders are a must:  Mud flaps should be standard; but they are not so we add them. 

A gun rack should be added in the rear window as well as fake flames seeming to come from under the hood.  “Chrome, “MAG” wheels and oversized tires as well.  And a “Mack- Bulldog” ornament for the hood cannot be left out.

There are “west coast” mirrors to be considered as well as a 16 ton trailer hitch’.  An ‘electric Winch’ on the front bumper, and ‘Fog Lights’ should have completed the additions; but we had almost forgotten about the ‘Bed Liner’ and the ‘Saddlebag Tool Box.’ We will need them sooner or later, so why not get them now?

The fact that we have turned a basic, $8,000.00 truck into a $26,452.74 vehicle does not in the least bother us.  We now own the most powerful, the sharpest; the most unique; the most ‘envied vehicle;’ in our area, and we can “CRUISE” in it knowing perfectly well that our “MASCULINE” “IMAGE” image has been preserved.

After driving our “Dream Machine” home, another problem arises.  The roommate asks us to carry the trash to the dump and haul a load of dirt to go in her flower beds.

How can we tell her that “You just DON’T put trash and dirt in “THIS” truck like you would an ordinary one.”  She simply does not understand.  She says to get a trailer.  “But that will scratch the chrome trailer hitch,” I reply.

The problem is solved by carrying the trash to the dump in the back seat of the “Roadmaster;” and forgetting about the flower beds.  Besides, I haven’t waxed the truck yet.

At last:  I’m satisfied that my IMAGE is secured, and I am ready for anything….

“VA-ROOM, VA-ROOM”….“Look out, world;”  “Here we come.”

Most of the time; I hate to confuse myself with facts.   Dj.

COMPUTERS

I am convinced that this darned machine is determined to GET ME!

Everything worked fine yesterday morning; when I awoke at 02:30 and could not get back to sleep.

I read e-mails and surfed the usual sites; when all of a sudden, the Computer froze up and would not do anything. My attempts to re-boot amounted to naught.  For some reason; unknown to me,  “It would not connect.”

I finally summoned my Son, who is the resident computer geek’, yesterday afternoon; and he diligently worked for about two hours before this thing gave-up and began working.  Even he; seemed mystified as to what had gone wrong.

His final diagnoses was that the machine was cluttered with files, bytes, icons, and so forth that was no use to me or to the machine.  His suggestion was to seek clean-up the Software” and to  “De-frag;”  (what ever that means).  If that does not solve the problem, the alternative is to admit it to the Computer Hospital, for a complete Tune -Up.

Strange as it may seem:  This morning, the darned thing was back to normal. I assume the malady it was suffering from; is similar to that of a “Human Toothache:”  “It quits hurting once one gets inside the Dentist Office.”

I just hope that this thing is afraid enough; to act normal until our President gets around to expanding Medicare to include payment for Computer, Disorders.

If this does not come to pass, I suppose the only thing us Fogies have to hope for, is that our Doctors will offer a permanent prescription for enough Tranquilizers; to allow us to cope with a computer that SIMPLY AIN’T GOT NO SENSE!”

Demijon

“Marriage” is the number ONE” cause of Divorce:Computers” are number TWO.”          Dj.

 

“TOTE’ING IN STOVEWOOD”

One of the many chores of young children in the olden days was to keep a plentiful supply of fuel for the wood-burning, Cook Stove; in the “wood box” that was located near the stove.

Bear in mind that this chore was necessary winter and summer. Since the firebox in the Cook Stove was quite a bit smaller, (it was hard work to ‘whittle the fuel down’).  Stove wood was split from pine logs into thin strips to approximate 3 X 12 inches.

One reason for use of the stove during the summer months was for heating water. The water reservoir was attached to the stove on the extreme right side and warmed only when the stove was fired.

The center door of this monster, was where all the baking was done and the two doors at the top were ‘the warming closets.’.  Leftovers from the noon meal, “dinner”, was placed inside to be warmed by the built-up heat from the flue, (vent pipe) if desired.

Ashes were removed from a small door underneath the firebox and was usually done by an adult. There were generally two round lids, called, (eyes); above the firebox and two above the oven. Removing or replacing these eyes could regulate the heat if needed.  Note:  A Cast iron pan was placed over an open “eye” to prevent smoking when this unit was used.
If there was a supplemental heater in the huge kitchen, it required larger logs, therefore, this job was meted out to older family members. These logs were usually stacked on the porch just outside the doorway for convenience; as well as to prevent loss of heat from the open door; while stoking the heater.
During the summer months when the fireplace was not used, flatirons” were heated on the cook stove for use after wash day. They could be heated while a meal was cooking or water was heating.

Most farm families enjoyed a hot breakfast; and a hot dinner; (at the noon hour); but supper was generally cold leftovers; or could be, warmed in the warming closets if the stove was in use.

Eating a cold supper, was chosen by many families because it allowed the house to cool at night during the hot summer months.  “”No Air-Conditioning; remember?”)

I can still recall the afternoon admonishment to “Be sure to tote in enough Stove Wood and don’t forget the ‘Kindling;”  (Corn-cobs, soaked in kerosene).

Also: “The memory that still causes my mouth to water; that even ‘thinking about’    sopping’ molasses with hot Biscuits; baked in the Wood – Stove early every morning.

It just couldn’t get any better than this; could it?

Demijon

 

PRICES UP-UP-&-UP.

Glancing through a catalog this morning, prompted the feeling that I am very ‘old and decrepit’.  I’ll admit that the “wim & wigger and witality;” of youth has long since abandoned my frame; but the possibility that;  “I am on the downhill slope of an exciting life hit me like a ton of bricks.”

What grasped my attention was the goods advertised in the catalog.  I could not help but compare these prices with the cost in general, of everyday, ‘run-of-the-mill,’ clothing that I usually purchase in my neighborhood shops.  “Higher; plus S & H.”

I’m sorry, but I cannot bring myself to pay $36.00 to $55.00 for an average shirt or $89.50 for a pair of trousers. And, oh-my-gosh’, there was even a pair of “Flip-Flops listed for $38.00”.

Call me an “Old Fogy,” if you must: but I vividly remember selling shirts for $1.89, trousers for $4.95, and shoes for $6.95, while working part-time, in a local Department Store as a teenager. It’s important to note that this was quality, brand name, merchandise and not seconds.

I can even remember buying suits for $35.00 after my Lovely Roommate and I were married.  Thank goodness for today’s Discount Stores and Warehouse Clubs.  Without them:I would be required to “Go downtown with those two nice Policemen”, due to improper attire.

Another draw-back of catalog shopping is the fact that the, small, medium, & large, sizes mean nothing, when attempting to fit them on an ‘out of shape, bulging body’, that is hovering on the far side of Medicare.

The cost of returning the merchandise that does not fit:  Or is of poor quality or costlier; than the catalog displays; and that we can buy the same item for, atUncle Sam’s Bottom Dollar.”

It is obvious that I will continue to garner stares and snickers when I appear in public wearing an entire wardrobe that cost less than the Flip-Flops in the catalog. “Granted:”  You will quickly realize that  this is the least of my worries; since, everyone is aware that a ‘pleasing personality’ is far more important than ‘good looks’.  Therefore; it is very obvious that I possess; “Both of those characteristics”.  

“I rest  my  case.”  Jay Henry

MEGA – BANKS

Throughout most of my life, I have been unable to accumulate huge amounts of money.  In fact;  Keeping the wolf from our door has been an ongoing struggle for my lovely roommate and me.  In fact: We spent a goodly amount of time wondering; just how we could escape the Quagmire that fate had designed for us.

Thick payment books usually followed the purchase of any and all major purchases.  The first few days of each month found us agonizing over which payment could be skipped in order to satisfy another that was past due.

Eventually, by curtailing unnecessary spending to the point that we were able to save a portion of our meager income, we began a savings account with our Mega-Bank. They then; rewarded us for our frugality by changing the designation of our checking account from Standard / Tin” to Excellent / Platinum”.

Over the years; we managed to accrue enough in this savings account to buy; what we hoped would be our retirement home.

We transferred enough of our funds from our savings account into our checking account and wrote a check for the property.  Little did we know; that doing so, would void our Excellent / Platinum rating and our checking account would revert to the original Standard / Tin designation.

This change was brought to our attention only when we received our monthly statement.  Buried deep within the explanations for all the transactions, was a service charge of $30.00 designated as Maintenance Fee.  Needless to say, I immediately demanded enlightenment from the Bank and was told that;  “You withdrew a substantial amount from your savings account.”

“My God, Lady. !!!  Are you telling me that I have to pay you a fee to use my own money?””

Her answer was, “YES!”  Withdrawing this money from savings disqualified you for the Excellent / Platinum rating.”

By this time, my blood pressure was probably off the chart.  I asked what qualifies one for all the ‘free stuff,’ that they hype; in all their advertisements.

“Most importantly; you must have all your income direct deposited into our Bank.  Bring us the deed to your home, your endorsed life insurance policies, and your eldest son.

We will also need the signed titles for all vehicles:  Assignment of your pension checks “and all of the spare change in the sugar dish”.  Then, you will be able to write one check each quarter; if less than $5.00.”  “Doesn’t that sound nice, Mr. Demijon?” she grinned.

Dejected, I asked, “I suppose that it’s out of the question to ask for a loan of a quarter for the parking meter beside your office.”

Mrs. Mega,  smiled when she replied;  “We validate one parking citation per year and I see from your computer records that you have used this privilege last month:  Anything else, Mr. Demijon?

I glanced out the window and spotted a billboard across the street advertising – Poppa Joe’s Bank & Trust Co, Inc. “We cater to the little folks.”

“NO:  I said in a quivering voice.  Enough is enough and I’ve had quite an abundance.”

Demijon

EVERYBODY’S GOTTA BE SOMEWHERE !

We all have a burning desire to be accepted by our peers. Since many residents that now call the great state of North Carolina their home, are transplants from other areas of the United States and possibly the world; it is imperative that they learn the correct usage of the dialect and become familiar with local mannerisms or else risk being treated as outcasts. For this reason, I am offering a course on the proper ways to converse and blend with the natives.

1. The first mistake most folks make is in greeting a friend or neighbor. Under no circumstance are you to address another with the customary “Good Morning,”  “Good Evening,” or even  “Hello.”  The correct criterion for such salutation when meeting another person is simply   “Howdy?;”  or  “How-Y’all?.”  Now, don’t that sound more homely?”

2. If, by chance, you are invited to attend a dinner and are asked if you would care for seconds, the correct response is, “No’m;”  “I, thankee; but I’ve got a bait.” an’ it were good.” 

Never display your ignorance by asking for a recipe for the GRITS.  If your hostess has baked a cake for desert; by all means remind her that it is almost as good as the one’s Little Debbie makes.  When eating; always tuck your napkin into the collar of your shirt. Placing it on your lap to catch spilled food will deprive the chickens or the ‘Coon Hound (under the table) of a tasty morsel.

If wine is served:  Carefully inspect the label.  If it don’t read  “Mad-Dog,” or “Roma-Rocket; graciously decline; and say:”  “I believe I’ll just have a CO-COLER.”

3. Making a first impression is very important. When meeting a lady for the first time it is customary to extend a compliment. Don’t overdo it by lying about her looks: A simple statement to the effect that; “You don’t sweat much for a Fat Lady;” will suffice.

4. To be accepted as an equal, your first obligation will be to purchase a ‘Pick-up Truck;” (preferably a four-wheel-drive model).  Visit the nearest service station for an assortment of empty Oil containers to be randomly thrown into the bed, along with at least two old tires and a chain saw.

A rifle rack in the rear window should be added if this was not standard equipment. Sufficient knowledge of Horsepower; Gear Ratio; and Gas Mileage will be helpful for discussion among admirers.

A big, red # 88; Duct-Taped to the tail gate, will certify that you are a Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fan and is definitely a plus.

5 Memorize as many of the meanings of words and phrases used by the locals as possible. Words such as (A) MA-N-EMS, (Mother and siblings)  (B) FUR PIECE, a long-long way):  (C) BELLY WASHER, (a two liter Co-Coler):  (D) MAKING OUT, (inquiring as to your health):  (E) RED MAN (chewing tobacco): and (F) HANGNAIL (a coat and hat rack).

Once you know the definition of these words and phrases, you can at least understand what the locals are trying to reveal to you. The following is a case in point.

Bubba, getting out of his 4X4;  “Yestiddy; I went over to MA-N-EMS, and MA handed me a 2 liter CO-COLER.  She made me put my Coat an’ Hat on the HANG-NAIL:  Man: That thare Co Coler were so good; I  jus’ ’bout swallered my RED-MAN.   

See how easy it is? Call BR-549 for an application and you will soon have the ability to converse with the local gender. Who knows: You may even be accepted as; “Jus’ one of we Boys.”
Demijon

WHO”S WHO ???

Page one of the “Daily Record.”

The C.E.O. “laid off” Joe and thousands of his co-workers when the profits of the company indicated that the multi million dollar salaries and bonuses for top executives were in jeopardy.

If the fact that Joe, ‘being faced with the loss of his income’, resulted in the foreclosure of his home and his inability to provide for his family was noticed at all; it would be a tiny paragraph on page 24 of the newspaper, or as a filler for the nightly newscast on television.

What has lately grabbed the attention of the media is that the shareholders have begun to realize that mismanagement has been the major cause of dwindling profits.  There is even talk of, (God forbid), “laying off” the C.E.O.

My personal opinion is that any C.E.O.; worth the millions of dollars in salary; could have foreseen the diminishing returns on the shareholders investments and ‘elected to lead by example.

Surely, he could survive with a lower salary and without any bonuses, until such time as the company was again healthy.

Apparently, the reason for non-compliance with this method of thinking is no more than greed.  Joe, on the other hand, was only concerned with providing for his family’s welfare; but he is the one who will suffer the most.

Be that as it may; my main gripe is with a media that will grasp the executive’s side of the argument and give it world-wide attention; while practically ignoring Joe’s predicament.

Somehow, placing an executive on the pedestal and leaving the lowly workers to grovel leaves a sour taste in most of our mouths.

Aren’t we all in this together? It id doubtful that a conglomeration of C.E.O’s, alone; could result in the successful profits that Joe and his co-workers produced for the organization; and yet; “Who were number one on the discharge list, when the tally was made?” “It don’t quite make sense., Does it?”

Demijon

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ??

It has been probably 25 years since I have purchased the services of a fully-automated car wash.  In an attempt to save a few dollars, I struggled with buckets of soapy water and torn tee shirts in order to keep my vehicle in some semblance of cleanliness.  This was a standard ritual, at least, twice each year.

However, since the several months of this year have been colder than usual and due to the fact that, because of snow and ice; the Department of Transportation was required to spread salt on the main thorough-fares;  I began to envision spots of rust encroaching on my dependable friend.  Added to these thoughts, were the aches and pains brought on by deteriorating health.  These facts prompted my decision to put my automobile in the capable hands of the professionals at “THE  AUTO -BELL.”

Upon entering the parking lot at the local car wash; I was somewhat taken a-back at the posted price for a full service wash.  If memory serves, my recollection of the cost of prior washes were somewhere in the neighborhood of $4.00 to $5.00.  The friendly attendant did not bat an eye when he told me that to have my car cleaned would reduce my meager finances by “$21.95”.

I whimpered a little when I paid the attendant and walked to the front of the establishment to wait for my “Trusty Vehicle” to emerge from the tunnel of the swirling water and brushes.  I stood outside for quite some time before another attendant asked for my claim check.  After comparing the tickets, he led me to the gleaming car and handed me the keys.  My immediate response was a tearful, “My Gosh, IT’S WHITE.”

I am now reminded of a friend who, in response to his neighbor’s complaints about Snakes, was more or less, forced to mow his lawn.  When he had completed the task, he made a startling discovery that;  HIS HOUSE NEEDED PAINTING!”

This reminiscing serves to prove a point.  There are still a few of us who are unjustly labeled; “A PROCRASTINATOR”

The purpose of this  “Post,”  on  America’s most – read “Blog-Site;” is to clear this thought from the minds of the Countries Population.

“From this day on:  Please remember that we are not ‘Forgetful’; and neither are we ‘Lazy’.”  We just simply,  “PUT THINGS OFF !!”

Demijon

From the Demijon glossary of famous, “old – sayings”:  “Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your Car.”

GETTING OLD

It’s everyone’s job:  Like it or not.

There are very few children who do not anticipate “growing up”, and to eventually become able to; “Run with the big dogs.” Their wish to emulate the adults around them increases each year until they finally reach the age of majority.  It is here that reality sets in and many of the fantasies they have looked forward to for so long become overshadowed by the actuality that; “It ain’t what it’s cracked up to be!”

For instance:  The passage of time during their early years was measured in months instead of days.  It seemed forever to wait until another birthday, a holiday, Christmas, etc.  Patience is not their strong suit at this juncture in their lives.  It is every parents wish that their offspring remains a child for as long as possible; but even they remember similar feelings from their own childhood.

Try as we might; we fail to instill in their young minds some of the things they will face as an adult.  For the benefit of the young who read this blog, I will include a listing of a few problems that they will encounter once they reach the age of being; “some two years older than dirt.”

#1  –  Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt “will not work”.

#2You get to the point of looking forward to “a dull evening”.

#3Your back “goes out” more than you do.

#4 –  The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your “wife”.

# 5 –  Your children are beginning to look “middle-aged”.

#6The list of names in your ‘little black book”, all end in “M.D”.

#7 –   You know all the answers; but nobody “asks you the questions”.

#8 –   The gleam in your eye is the reflection of the Sun on on “your bi-focals”.

#9 –   Your “pacemaker” opens the garage door of the pretty girl across the street.

#10 – Your knees buckle; but your “belt won’t”.

More valuable advice from “The Demijon Book” of important “Stuff” will be on the market soon.  To reserve your advance copy, have your credit card ready and call ‘BR-549″.

That’s “BR-549;  CALL TODAY”!

jug-2 Demijon

WORDS – Unheard of Today.

Slew-footed: Someone who walks with their feet turned outward. Example: “He’s so slew-footed that he walks like he’s raking corn shucks.”

Teddys: An item of underwear worn by ladies. Example: “Mavis was walking around outside with nothing but her teddy’s on.”

Bodiacious: A huge amount. Example: “I’ll bet that car cost Jim a bodiacious pile of money.”

Coming up a cloud: An impending storm. Example: “You young’uns get in the house and wash your feet; They’s a’coming up a cloud.”

Tainted: Anything that has spoiled. Example: “Throw them hot dogs into the hog pen. They’s tainted.”

Parson: A preacher. Example: “Our Parson has moved and we’s got to find us another’n.”

That Way: Description of a pregnant lady. Example: “I’ve heard that Eunice is ‘that way’ and won’t tell who’s the daddy.”

It’s that old bomb: Placing blame. Example: “The reason we’re having such bad weather is that it’s caused by ‘that old bomb.”

Liquored-up: Inebriated. Example: “I saw Bob yesterday in front of the dime store and he was all liquored up.”

Pigeon-toed: Walking with the feet turned inward. Example: “That young’un of Miz Hylton’s is as pigeon-toed as anybody I’ve ever seen.”

Croup: As having a bad cough. Example: “Jethro has got the croup and I can’t sleep ’cause he coughs all night;”

Gimp-legged: A person that walks with a limp. Example: “That gimp-legged boy of Mr. Shaw’s, ain’t no better.”

Smart as a whip: Showing intelligence. “He might never get any better; but he’s smart as a whip.”

Swimmy-headed: Unstable. Example: “I was so swimmy-headed this morning, I could hardly get out of bed.”

Blind staggers: Same as above. “I noticed that; but I thought you had a bad case of the blind staggers.”

Re-liners: Inserts for automobile tires. Example: “You had better put re-liners in your tires ’cause the air is showing in two of them.”

Lumbago: Leg or back pain. Example: “I’ve got to get up from in front of this Computer ’cause my lumbago is giving me a fit.”

“Any more questions?”

Demijon