“There are times when I think that television is the devil’s advocate, at least; so far as someone like me who is so naive that we believe that “Publishers Inc;” will indeed send us that “Multi-Million dollar check.”
Every month I rush down to that “New Carpet World,” in order to take advantage of the sale of the century before it’s gone forever. I am even convinced that “Nordic-Tractor”, will rid me of the unsightly bulges around my waistline.
I once refused to purchase an automobile from “Ajax Motors, Inc;” because of a commercial from a competitor that guaranteed to “beat anyone’s price.”
“THEY DID!” I saved “$3.26:” IIn fact, I ordered the “Amazing Work-No-More” polish and used it on this car. Afterwards, I grew to love the ‘dull primer-gray finish’.
As proof of my dedication to the medium, I have even thrown caution to the winds and “tried at home,” some of the stunts performed by, “Professional Drivers, on a closed Course.” “If you would like to see my ‘Scars:” “Hurry: Before they load me into the ambulance and the wrecker arrives for my car?”
“You asked about the swollen, black eye.” “That was no ‘Big-Deal.” “When the telephone company told me to “reach out and touch someone,” they did not mention that her Husband was nearby, and weighed 345 pounds.
My ugly, gray, hair has been remedied by the, “New & Improved Hair Restorer.” It has saved me the bother of combing and brushing. “Now: I can fix my hair at the same time; I wash my face.my face.” In addition, “Wrinkles-Be-Gone” has eliminated my need to shave. Along with the wrinkles; went the, ‘whiskers and ‘three ‘layers ‘of ‘skin.
Headaches are no longer a problem for me. When doctors got around to recommending the, “Seagrams Liquid Headache Tonic: “2 to 1:” I began helping them open every day. In fact: I was one of the first Customers. in line. After storing my initial three-month’s supply; ‘I do not notice the pain.’ Sure, it’s still there, but right-now, I simply don’t give a damn.
Several times each week, I call the law firm of Snodgrass & Snodgrass. Not out of need for a Lawyer; but because the commercial states that they are “Experienced Professionals Who Care.” Each time they assure me that “It Weren’t My Fault.”
My addiction to “The Tube” is such that I am on a first name basis with all of the Psychic Friends on the network, and I can easily relate to the guests on “Sally Jesse;” as well as “Jerry Springer.” My credit card number is passed around between promoters of such products as the “Veg-a-matic,” “Bob Villa’s Toolbox,” “Eddie Arnold Sings Bach,” and the Don Knott’s workout video, (not sold in stores).
If there is doubt in your mind as to the authenticity of any product that sponsors your favorite program, please give me a call. The number is BR-549. Your doubts and fears will diminish after a brief testimony from one who has tried it all.
“Don’t send Money!” “We’ll bill you.”