EVERYBODY’S GOTTA BE SOMEWHERE !

We all have a burning desire to be accepted by our peers. Since many residents that now call the great state of North Carolina their home, are transplants from other areas of the United States and possibly the world; it is imperative that they learn the correct usage of the dialect and become familiar with local mannerisms or else risk being treated as outcasts. For this reason, I am offering a course on the proper ways to converse and blend with the natives.

1. The first mistake most folks make is in greeting a friend or neighbor. Under no circumstance are you to address another with the customary “Good Morning,”  “Good Evening,” or even  “Hello.”  The correct criterion for such salutation when meeting another person is simply   “Howdy?;”  or  “How-Y’all?.”  Now, don’t that sound more homely?”

2. If, by chance, you are invited to attend a dinner and are asked if you would care for seconds, the correct response is, “No’m;”  “I, thankee; but I’ve got a bait.” an’ it were good.” 

Never display your ignorance by asking for a recipe for the GRITS.  If your hostess has baked a cake for desert; by all means remind her that it is almost as good as the one’s Little Debbie makes.  When eating; always tuck your napkin into the collar of your shirt. Placing it on your lap to catch spilled food will deprive the chickens or the ‘Coon Hound (under the table) of a tasty morsel.

If wine is served:  Carefully inspect the label.  If it don’t read  “Mad-Dog,” or “Roma-Rocket; graciously decline; and say:”  “I believe I’ll just have a CO-COLER.”

3. Making a first impression is very important. When meeting a lady for the first time it is customary to extend a compliment. Don’t overdo it by lying about her looks: A simple statement to the effect that; “You don’t sweat much for a Fat Lady;” will suffice.

4. To be accepted as an equal, your first obligation will be to purchase a ‘Pick-up Truck;” (preferably a four-wheel-drive model).  Visit the nearest service station for an assortment of empty Oil containers to be randomly thrown into the bed, along with at least two old tires and a chain saw.

A rifle rack in the rear window should be added if this was not standard equipment. Sufficient knowledge of Horsepower; Gear Ratio; and Gas Mileage will be helpful for discussion among admirers.

A big, red # 88; Duct-Taped to the tail gate, will certify that you are a Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fan and is definitely a plus.

5 Memorize as many of the meanings of words and phrases used by the locals as possible. Words such as (A) MA-N-EMS, (Mother and siblings)  (B) FUR PIECE, a long-long way):  (C) BELLY WASHER, (a two liter Co-Coler):  (D) MAKING OUT, (inquiring as to your health):  (E) RED MAN (chewing tobacco): and (F) HANGNAIL (a coat and hat rack).

Once you know the definition of these words and phrases, you can at least understand what the locals are trying to reveal to you. The following is a case in point.

Bubba, getting out of his 4X4;  “Yestiddy; I went over to MA-N-EMS, and MA handed me a 2 liter CO-COLER.  She made me put my Coat an’ Hat on the HANG-NAIL:  Man: That thare Co Coler were so good; I  jus’ ’bout swallered my RED-MAN.   

See how easy it is? Call BR-549 for an application and you will soon have the ability to converse with the local gender. Who knows: You may even be accepted as; “Jus’ one of we Boys.”
Demijon