Has the Charmin been squeezed? “D.J, wants to know?”
Important issues concern me; perhaps more than the average person. Things like what are we to do with all of the old stuff when a product is “New And Improved?” Is it safe to continue using until our supply is depleted; or should we discard our hoard and rush to purchase the improved variety?
I suffer needlessly when a doctor prescribes a pain medication that his colleagues have, “Not preferred two to one”. Does my doctor not watch television? If he does, he surely is aware that he prescribed the wrong medication for me.
“It takes five bottles of the ‘bargain brand’ to equal one bottle of ‘Pine-Stink’.” Law enforcement officials should converge on the ‘bargain brand’ laboratories and force them to cease production of a product that will jeopardize the health and safety of us unsuspecting citizens who try to save a few cents.
Our home has been treated for termites and other pests by the firm of “Brand X.” Since they do not employ the services of “ROBO-MAN;” from the twenty-fourth century with all of his hi-tech weapons, will our house eventually succumb to the infestation of pests and; ‘fall down around our ears?
My needs are fairly simple. My 1970 Pinto, does not have a; “42-liter engine:, A Computer generated ride; Electrically controlled mud flaps:, Remote door locks; or; A CD-ROM Sound System.”
It does, however, respond when I turn the key and it has so far managed to satisfy my whims to go and come as I please. Anxiety wells within me; because it lacks these latest innovations. So, what am I to do? To dispose of it would be like losing a dear friend.
Since “Corn-Fed Chicken, Inc.” has beat “Pullets & Co.” in a taste test by a margin of 21 to 6, am I at risk simply because I have been eating Pullets & Co. product for years? Perhaps “Brittle-Mayers” will formulate an antidote for those of us who unwittingly consumed the inferior product.
Exactly how much is “A Unit Of Coverage?” I am aware that it only costs ‘$6.00,’ but if and when, it becomes necessary for me to avail myself of it, will the Funeral Director inform my heirs that the cost will be “Three and one half units?”
The other day I discovered that a used automobile dealer owns the bank. “One hundred and ninety five dollars and ride today!” “We own the bank!” After all these years of depositing my tiny paycheck in their establishment; shouldn’t I at least qualify for a 1949 Nash Rambler?
Lawmakers are desperately trying to put an end to welfare. Are they concerned in the least about Modern World Flooring? Apparently they are on the brink of entry onto the welfare rolls due to the fact that they have continuously sold their product for under cost, and then offer free installation with all the trimmings. “They can’t last much longer.”
“If you bought from anyone else, YOU PAID TOO MUCH!” This bothers me most of all. I unknowingly have bought from ‘Someone Else’ for years. Is it possible that if I had changed my pattern of purchasing, I would be a Rich Man, today?
One day soon I will attempt to count the ‘8,968 items that are priced below the competitors’ This has caused me many sleepless nights. Suppose that immediately after the ad is placed in the newspaper, the competitor lowers the price on 1,625 items. Would this be considered false advertising?
In my waning years, I should not be subject to such stress. I should be allowed to enjoy my “Golden Years;” free from the pressures of being required to worry about things such as: “Do “Scrubbing bubbles really scrub?”
“Does the hair coloring only take five minutes?”
“Can I really lose 50 pounds by gliding on a machine?”
“Do the Psychic Friends know so much about me?”
“Is the Hair Club president indeed a client?”
“Do the Lawyers that lose, get any payments from ‘Anybody?”
There are many other distressing things that disturb me. I hope that I am not the only one who suffers from this affliction. If there are more of you out there; perhaps we could arrange a convention for ‘WORRIERS.’ “You know, get together and compare notes and who knows, maybe we could form a support group.” “Sound okay to You?”
In the meantime, I will continue with my downtrodden approach to life in general, and I will worry. Dj.
“Feel sorry for me yet??? “My number is BR S-M-1- S.”
Fact: “A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.” Dj.