Susie Mae, she gits sorta carried away ’bout anniversarie presents, so I ‘cided that I wud git her one whot she’d be some more proud uv. Hit took me quite a spell to fint jus’ th rite one, but I fount hit at one uv them flee markets. Hit were a big, white pitchur frame. Th feller whot run th flee market, he ‘lowed as how hit come offen one uv them thare new fangled commodes whot them town folks has put in they outhouses.

I paid th feller a dollar fer hit an brung hit home an’ hid hit in th barn ’til I fount th’ time ta fix hit up proper. I had fount a pitchur uv me an’ Susie Mae at her mammy’s whot had been took wiff a kodak at th carnival one time, an’ I taken that thare pitchur an’ pasted hit in that thare frame an’ hung hit on th wall in th frunt room.

Whilst I wuz a’workin on that thare present, Susie Mae were over at Miz. Mazies a’playin’ Old Maid wiff some uv th’ womernfolks an’ I hbroch th subjec, but jus’ let her d’scover hit fer her own self.

Wells’r, b’then she had traipsed in th’ door, I knowed sumpin were wrong, so I sez ta her, “Did Miz. Mazie an’ them throw off on yo’ frock agin?” She ackted like she were gonna tune up to squawl an’ she sez, “Naw, but all uv’um cheated an’ won all my aig money.”

I jus sot thare whilst she were a’simmer’in an’ ackted like I’se a’readin th’ Market Bulletin an’ she marched off inta th’ frunt room. She had no more’n got in thare good whens’t she commenced a’hollerin an’ a’yellin ta beat th’ band. She sez, “Jay Henry, honey!” “Who’s this here HUZZY whot’s a’settin’ b’side you’ens in this hear pitchur you done hung hit on our’n wall?”

I knowed rite then that she were some more s’prized so I jus’ up an’ tolt her ’bout how I fount th’ frame an’ put that thare pitchur in hit fer a anniversarie present fer her. She commenced a’squallin big time an’ then I axed her, “Susie Mae, is you mad?” She snatched up her frock tail an’ blowed her nose an’ sez, “Naw, Jay Henry, honey, I ain’t mad. I’se jus’ a’squallin ’cause I thinks hit’s so sweet uv you’ens.”

Now, Susie Mae, she be’s so proud uv that thare thang that ever time we’ens has got cumpany come in, she drags ’em inta th’ frunt room an’ shows ’em that thare pitchur and then she sez;

“Hit looks jus’ lak we’s a’settin thare, don’t hit?”ad done hung th pitchur b’then she got back ta th shack. I had ‘cided ta s’prize her wiff her anniversarie present so I wont ’bout ta

Jay Henry
Posted in Uncategorized
Traveling Salesmen
Posted on December 11, 2006 by John Sellers


The brunt of thousands of jokes over the years has been the men who, either through necessity or preference, chose a career that required them to seek out their customers rather than wait in a lavishly furnished office or showroom until the client had a need for their services or product.

They traversed the length and breadth of our country armed with samples and order books. In the days when automobiles were a luxury rather than an essential requirement, most would use as a mode of transportation a train or bus in order to reach their assigned area. Once there, they either walked or were dependant upon the local inhabitants’ charitable nature for transportation and/or room and board.

Since a drab hotel room would produce very little mirth, the setting for most of the jokes revolved around the salesman being required to stay overnight with one of his customers. In a time when much of the nation centered around agriculture, the host was always a farmer.

It was common knowledge that seldom was anyone turned away if they were in need; therefore, the salesmen were welcomed to share their homes and whatever food was available. Repayment was not expected.

Most of the farm families were large, due in part to the need for laborers to tend the crops in the time before modern machinery. In addition, many farmhouses were small and space was at a premium at best, but regardless, the salesmen were still invited to stay overnight and herein hangs the tale…

One particular salesman was stranded in a remote section of the country without hope of returning to a more populated area before nightfall.

Approaching a farmhouse, he inquired about staying overnight with the family. The generous farmer informed him that he was indeed welcome to share their home and that the evening meal would be forthcoming. Afterwards, he was told about the limited sleeping space and asked if it would bother him if he shared a bed with the baby. The salesman did not relish the thoughts of an infant in his bed, so he asked the farmer if it would be permissible for him to sleep in the barn. The farmer agreed and provided him with a blanket and pillow.

Rather early the next morning, he was awakened by the sound of someone entering the barn. When he arose, he saw a beautiful young girl who was apparently around 19 years old approach with a milking stool and a bucket. He had not seen her during the evening meal and he immediately asked, “Who are you?” She smiled and said, “I’m the baby. Who are you?”

Sheepishly the salesman replied, “I’m the darn fool who slept in the barn!”


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Bad News – Good News – Great News
Posted on December 11, 2006 by John Sellers


First, the bad news. Your car has a terminal case of engine stall-itis. “The worse case that I’ve seen in twenty three years as a mechanic.” “I seriously doubt that we can remedy the situation short of installing a new engine, new shock absorbers, springs, brake pads and drive shaft.” “The cost?” “I would guess around $23,000.00.”

“Let me introduce you to our manager. He can give you the complete details.” A short man appears from out of nowhere, sporting a smile that would make Jimmy Carter blush and says, “Come on into my office and I believe we can work out a satisfactory solution to your problem.” “You see, those 1947 Studebakers were built to last only twenty years or so. You have been one of the lucky ones to have gotten this much mileage out of this one. To repair it would only be throwing good money after bad. It is truly with sorrow that I have to inform you of the fact that it’s gone. However, hope springs eternal.”

Now for the good news. “It just happens that we have reduced the price of our new Backfire X-300 to the lowest level in five years. This little gem is “loaded.” Gets 47 miles to the gallon and never needs a tune-up. It comes with a lifetime guarantee against rust, dents and nicks. All you have to do is to bring it back to us for service every two weeks to insure that your warranty remains valid. The only cost of this valuable protection is $316.50 per visit which we can easily add to your financing contract.

Now for the GREAT news. You can transfer the title of your old car to us, and with a down payment of only $15,000 you can drive out in complete comfort with the assurance that you will never experience another case of engine stall-itis. Now if you’ll just sign here, we’ll clean it up for you.”

Sound familiar? Somewhere out there is a mechanic waiting to reveal to you all of the afflictions of your present vehicle, and right behind him is the man with the toothy smile who will assure you that your only salvation is in the ownership of the fabulous Backfire X-300.

It certainly makes one wonder which news is worse, the good, the bad or the great.

Posted in Uncategorized
Guidelines for giftgiving
Posted on December 10, 2006 by John Sellers


Somewhere in the back of our minds we all anticipate a birthday, Christmas and/or other holiday present with a zeal of orgasmic proportions. Don’t deny it. The thoughts are there. Then, when the presentation is made, our first response is usually the statement, “you shouldn’t have.” Often the gift is one which we have voiced a longing for on many occasions, and instead of showing sincere appreciation we conceal our delight by informing the giver that they should not have been so kind as to fulfill our desire for the article.

I am a firm believer in the truism that a gift should be something in which the recipient possessed a desire for and yet would not necessarily purchase. It need not be extravagant to be exciting. Simple observations of the friend or loved one will divulge volumes of information about their likes and dislikes.

For instance, accompanying your spouse on a shopping trip and appearing casual as you notice them examining an item at length and returning later to re-examine the same article. This should denote enough interest to indicate that this would be an appropriate gift for some occasion. If this occurs, then you merely manufacture an excuse to return to the particular shop and invest .69 cents into what would become an appreciated surprise.

However, care must be taken to avoid at all costs the area of clothing if your spouse is of the female gender. Face it, you’ll never get it right. It does not matter that she looked at the item dozens of times, once you make the purchase, “It doesn’t hang right.” “The colors do not match my shoes.” “Stripes make me look fat.” “The neckline is wrong.” “This material is not IN, this year.”

Most of us who are experienced in the area of shopping for a woman resort to the middle-of-the-road stance when searching for a gift for our spouse. We make observations of events in her everyday life to guide us in the search for the “perfect” gift.

Noting the efforts that are required of her during the preparation of a tasty meal prompts us to consider “The Amazing Vegamatic,” “The Fry Baby” or the “Salad Shooter.” Making life a little easier for “the little woman” is satisfaction enough for most of us to contemplate a gift that she would not purchase for herself. Our reward for being so considerate is the look of total surprise when she opens the gift and tearfully says…

“You shouldn’t have.”

Posted in Uncategorized
Choice of professionals
Posted on December 9, 2006 by John Sellers

GOOD – $12.45. BETTER – $19.95. BEST – $24.68.

One of America’s largest retail catalog stores has used this method of upgrading for years. How many of us would settle for the least expensive item when, for only a few dollars more, we can have the best? It allows a tremendous boost to our ego when we are able to say that the one we selected is “Top of the Line.”

However, in many cases there is very little difference. More chrome on the “Better” and the words ELITE on the “Best;” but the inner workings are identical. Performance from any of the three is essentially the same, so why are we obsessed with the idea that only the “Best” will serve our purpose? One theory is that if it is priced higher, it must be of better quality.

This is exactly what the manufacturing plant had in mind when they diverted some items from the assembly line in order to place on each the ELITE sticker; therefore, assuring those items to appeal to the ones of us who scoff at ownership of second best.

Since manufacturing costs are the same with the exception of the small amount of chrome and a three-cent sticker, the profits are much greater. Dependency on our fetish for ownership of the “top of the line” has caused sales to skyrocket for the “Better” and the “Best.”

Recently another method of advertising has surfaced. The listing of certain items with the words, “Choice of Professionals.” If a Handyman sports these tools or equipment, the die is cast. His hammer must be better than the one that we own that was rated as Good.

After all, he depends on it for his livelihood. Perhaps the ownership of this high-quality hammer is responsible for his professional status. With this in mind, we rush to the store and make our purchase.

We immediately retire the “Good” hammer to the depths of the unused, rusting tools underneath our workbench. Now, we proudly display our latest acquisition; the “ELITE” one; in ‘plain view,’ on our workbench. At last we will be able to “run with the big dogs.”

Although, little thought is given to the fact that we hardly know which end of the hammer is the business end; we nevertheless can now inspire ‘awe & admiration’ from our peers.

We own “THE CHOICE OF PROFESSIONALS.” Proof of the superiority of our latest acquisition occurs with our first use of the product. The thumb that we strike with ‘Top of the Line; “ELITE,” Hammer,’ does not hurt half as badly as with our former, inferior; “Good” model did.


My order for a ‘good,’ Hammer came today. It will suffice for general use. I will still display my ELITE hammer in my tool belt as an advertising logo of my Professional status. Dj.

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