Monthly Archives: July 2007
That the telephone rings immediately after the ‘first bite of your dinner’?
That you think that everyone is looking if you happen to slip and fall?
That you cannot find a parking space within two miles, when it’s raining?
That the shortest line always has the “Slower and most talkative Checker”?
And the lady behind is in such a hurry, she ‘pushes her cart into your ankles?
That the waitress asks if “everything is all right;” just when your mouth is full?
That the guy next door could have “saved you hundreds;” on the new lawn mower?
And everyone he knows has “had trouble” with that particular brand?
That no one will suggest a ‘place to dine’, but everyone will complain about this one?
That Nordie-Trac turns everyone into ‘muscle bound specimens’; except you?
That the product that goes on sale today was “sold out” when the doors opened?
That the appliance explodes one day after the warranty expires?
That all your neighbors want to talk when you are trying to finish mowing?
That clothing stores have developed a “size 40 that becomes 34 when you buy it.”?
That you get an itch in your ‘crotch,’ just when you stand before an audience?
That everyone can get better gas mileage than you have ever been able to?
That the person behind you at a theater talks you through the action?
That the grocery ‘bag clerk,’puts your Milk in a “ripped bag”, and the Twinkies in “Doubled Ones”?
And the coupon for 50 cents off on the Twinkies “Expired Yesterday?
That your telephone bill increases by “57%” when you sign up to “Save 25%”?
That there’s nothing good on “The Tube;” except ‘Prime-Time Wrestling.’?
That you mention to a friend that you’re reading a book and he; “Relates the End.”?
That you have to spell a word correctly in order for your computer to ‘Spell-Check’?
That after hours of hearing about other children, the subject changes when you mention; “Some cute remark or action attributable to your own offspring”?
Finally you become so disgusted, “You tell everyone to go to hell; Assume an attitude of “I don’t give a tinkers damn;” move to the green swamp and become a hermit?
That’ll teach them all that you do not intend to be intimidated by a bunch of scalawags who have nothing better to do than to take the time to read junk like this.
There are times when I think that television is the devil’s advocate, at least so far as someone like me who is so naive that we believe that Ed McMann will indeed send us the ten million dollar check. Every month I rush down to New York Carpet World in order to take advantage of the sale of the century before it’s gone forever. I am even convinced that Nordic-trac will rid me of the unsightly bulges around my waistline. I once refused to purchase an automobile from Ajax Motors, Inc., because of a commercial from a competitor that guaranteed to “beat anyone’s price.” They did. I saved $3.26. In fact, I ordered the “Amazing Work-No-More” polish and used it on this car. Afterwards, I grew to love the dull primer-gray finish.
As proof of my dedication to the medium, I have even thrown caution to the winds and “tried at home” some of the stunts performed by “professional drivers on a closed course.” Do you care to see my scars? Look quickly, before they load me into the ambulance and the wrecker arrives for my car.
You asked about the swollen, black eye. When the telephone company told me to “reach out and touch someone,” they did not mention that her husband was nearby and weighed 345 pounds.
My ugly, gray, hair has been remedied by the “New and Improved Color Restorer.” It has saved me the bother of combing and brushing. Now, I can fix my hair as I wash my face. In addition, “Wrinkles-Be-Gone” has eliminated my need to shave. Along with the wrinkles went the whiskers and three layers of skin.
Headaches are no longer a problem for me. When doctors got around to recommending “Seagrams-a-Nol” headache powders 2 to 1, I was one of the first in line. After my initial three-month’s supply, I do not notice the pain. Sure, it’s still there, but now, I simply don’t give a damn.
Several times each week, I call the law firm of Snodgrass & Snodgrass. Not out of need for an attorney, but because the commercial states that they are “Experienced Professionals Who Care.” Each time they assure me that “It Weren’t My Fault.”
My addiction to “the tube” is such that I am on a first name basis with all of the psychic friends on the network, and I can easily relate to the guests on “Sally Jesse” as well as “Jerry Springer.” My credit card number is passed around between promoters of such products as the “Veg-a-matic,” “Bob Villa’s Toolbox,” “Eddie Arnold Sings Bach,” and the Don Knottâ€™s workout video, (not sold in stores).
If there is doubt in your mind as to the authenticity of any product that sponsors your favorite program, please give me a call. The number is BR-549. Your doubts and fears will diminish after a brief testimony from one who has tried it all.
Now, I ain’t never been ’round many uv’em ;but I’m heah ta tell ya, they’s strange. My daddy always told me, Said, “Son, you git too close to a Yankee, an’ you’s bound cotch sumpin’ They’us one come in th’ diner one day when l;se a-eatin’ dinner an’took ova. “Wander,th’ waitress, she had put th q uarter whot I had give her fer a tip in th’ jukebox an’Merle Haggard were asingin Workin’ Man’s Blues, an’ whotcha recon he done? He marched rite ovah an, canceled thatun’ an’ hit th button fer one uv them rock an”roll records. Jus’come rite in an’ took ovah. I told Wander that he needed a rock up â-‘side his head. That thare aint thu wus uv hit.’â€™ wust though. Maw had sont me taâ€™ git her some bakinâ€™ powders at thâ€™ store tâ€™other day anâ€™ theyâ€™us jusâ€™ a whole slew uvâ€™em in thare. Theyâ€™us aâ€™millinâ€™ â€˜round an aâ€™buyinâ€™ thâ€™ quarest stuff. Stuff lack Petezers,bagles anâ€™ them big ole long saugages anâ€™ I thinks Ia myself, we ainâ€™t never give rations lak that taâ€™ thâ€™ hogs, say nothinâ€™ â€˜bout eatinâ€™ hit ourselves.
Yeah, theyâ€™s quare awright. Anâ€™ sassey taâ€™ beat thâ€™ band.
Whot mosâ€™ uvâ€™em needs is a razor strop aâ€™holt uv they behinâ€™s. That thareâ€™ud
simmerâ€™um down. Kinda makes a feller wont to buy’em a bus ticket jus’ to git rid uv’em.
One day, Jessie Barlow wus aâ€™drivinâ€™ that ole truck uv hisâ€™n, thâ€™ one whot thâ€™ clutchâ€™s always aâ€™slippinâ€™, out on number 326 anâ€™ one uvâ€™em flew up behint him anâ€™ commencet aâ€™blowinâ€™ thâ€™ horn. Now ole Jesseâ€™us doinâ€™ thâ€™ besâ€™ he could anâ€™ they kepâ€™ on aâ€™tootin that horn. Wellsâ€™r, Jessie, he stopped an’ taken that ole 12 gauge shotgun ouften thâ€™ rack behint thâ€™ seat an pumped a load uv buchshot rite square in thâ€™ middle uv they radeater. Then he got out anâ€™ flat laid a cussin onâ€™um. Jessie said he didnâ€™t kere if they did call thâ€™ law on him. He said thâ€™ rations in thâ€™ jailhouse were betterâ€™n whot he had at home.
Anâ€™ that hi-fo-luttin talk they uses jusâ€™ plain gits me. Canâ€™t unnerstanâ€™ haffâ€™uv whot they say. Lik thai time when one come out ta thâ€™ sawmill an axed me if Iâ€™ wud be so condescending as to inform him of any local ordnance concerning trapshooting. Hell, I ainâ€™t never hyeard uv nobody wastinâ€™ shells when theyâ€™s done got somethinâ€™ trapped, an I told him so. He sez, â€œYou are right close to a fool, arenâ€™t you?â€ I jus rared back anâ€™ sez ta him, I sez, â€œDamn straight, fellaâ€™, jusâ€™ â€˜bout 3 foot.â€
Thâ€™ sooner they learns that we ainâ€™t gonna take nothinâ€™ offenâ€™em, thâ€™ better off theyâ€™s gonna be. Like I say, theyâ€™s quare.
Arvell Wayne Bledsoe
As told to Jay Henry