How Crass !!!

Susie Mae were some more nervous, th’ fust time them folks at the Church axed her to play th’ Pieanner. She had sot up most uv th’ night; a-rollin’ her hair up on socks; an’ a-arnin’ her frock. She sez to me; she sez;  “Jay Henry, honey; Jus whot’s I’m gonna do iffen I gets all flabergasted an’ mess up?”  I tolt her that hit t’wern’t nothin’ to git so ‘cited bout ’cause them folks wus jus’ folks an hit wern’t like she were makin’ her ‘day-bu’ on Th’ Grand Ole Opry.’

When we got to the Church an’ parked th’ log truck, we noticed that everybody what seen us wuz a-laughin.  I tolt Susie Mae that hit shore were nice to make so many folks happy by jus drivin’ up.  I kinda ‘spect my new overalls had a lot to do with hit.

Some uv’th’ folks had tolt us that the Preacher were a Doc. too. Susie Mae thought that were awful sweet uv them folks to hire somebody to take care of sick folks and do th’ preachin’ too.

We went in an’ got us a seat way up front so Susie Mae wud be close to th’ Pieanner; an she wonted to make shore folks noticed her new frock whot them Spiegal Folks had just done went an’ sont her. I had ta keep remindin’ her to not git carried away an’ start playin’ her favorite song, “Ain’t No Boogers Out Tonite.”

Well’sr, things went along perty smooth; up ’til hit come time fer her to play. When’st she got up; ‘lo an’ behold’, her stockin’s fell down. I will have ta say that she handled hit perty good by playin’ wiff one hand an’ a-pullin on her stockin’s  wiff the other one.

The folks must of enjoyed hit, fer they wuz still laughin’ when’st we got ready to leave. Susie Mae wonted ta’ axe the Doc. fer a pill fer her rhumatiz; but I wudn’t let her. I mis-doubt that he toted his Satchel wiff him to preachin’ anyhow’s.

“Thangs has settled down some since that fust time an’ Susie Mae; she be’s careful to put on her garters when she has ta’ play th’ Pianner fer th “QUIRE”. They wuz a Funny thang though; ’bout that visit to they “Meetin’ House.” We still has got th’ knack fer makin’ everybody happy ’cause they all jus’ purely bust-out a-laughing ever time we come ta’ they Church”.

“Me an’ Susie Mae: We ‘preciates hit”.
Writ by Jay Henry

Penalty of Law

Who among us has ever been bold enough to blatantly rip the tag from a pillow or a piece of furniture as soon as we bring them into the home? In most instances; The wrinkled, yellowed, labels bearing a description of the contents are still rigidly attached long after the covers have become powerless to contain the stuffing.

WHY? Simply because these are the RULES, and most of us are adamant in our respect for the guidelines noted by the manufacturers. Although we assume that the purpose for these labels is directed toward the outlets from which we purchased them, we nevertheless; are not certain that they do not include us. Therefore, they remain an unsightly addition to our decor.

Several years ago; an event happened to me for which I am just as resolute in my determination that the resulting observance be forever retained in a position of prominence in my home. The event was the presentation of an award for a labor of love.

It is seldom when a Father has the opportunity to work side by side with a Son, while performing a task that both take immense pleasure in doing. Apparently the son inherited some of the qualities that produce enjoyment from BO-JACKING, (the art of creating something worthwhile with limited funds and/or materials).

This phenomenon began during a visit with my Son, (a minister); when I was asked to assist with the construction of a make-shift stable for their Christmas extravaganza, that included a living Nativity Portrayal. Compensation for necessary labor was simply; “Pride in our ingenuity for turning scraps into a work of art. This was sufficient payment for Father as well as for Son.

It was custom with their Church, to hold an annual banquet for the recognition of notable contributions; made by the youth of the Church during the year. Fortunately, my wife and I were invited to attend this ceremony.

I am certain that my surprise was evident when during the course of the evening; I was presented a beautiful plaque denoting my small contribution to what I am sure was an inspiring production by the members of Q.U.E.S.T., (the title for their youth group).

This award will continually be among my most prized possessions and will be prominently displayed as an expression of my gratitude for being allowed to utilize the few abilities that I possess in a most enjoyable manner.

Not unlike the labels found on certain types of furniture; the rules for this award are plainly stated; in like manner: I.E. …
“DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF INCURRING THE WRATH OF THE RECIPIENT WHICH COULD JUST POSSIBLY BE MORE SEVERE THAN THE PENALTIES PROVIDED BY LAW.”

In order to stress my point, I am seriously considering erecting a sign at my residence which states, simply: “FORGET THE DOG. BEWARE OF OWNER!” Pain will subside; and scars will fade; but Unsightly’TAGS WILL REMAIN’ when stuffing is gone.’

Demijon

One good thing about “EGOTISTS” is that; “They don’t usually talk about other people. Dj.

Good Thinking!!!

Bubba was interviewing with a large trucking company for the position of driver of an 18 wheeler to haul freight from Coast to Coast.

After completing all the paper work, he was subjected to a question and answer session with the freight manager designed to discover his understanding of the dangers involved in piloting these monster vehicles along the nations highways.

Question # 1: “Would you obey all traffic signals and posted speed limit signs of each State or Province in which you traveled?”

Bubba’s answer: “Yes, sir.”

Question # 2: “Would you ever attempt to by-pass a permanent or a temporary weight inspection station if you thought you were overloaded?”

Answer: “No, sir.”

Question # 3: “Would you keep your daily log book up to date and never drive more than the regulation hours for each day?”

Answer: “Yes, sir.”

Question # 4: “Do you believe that the Police, Highway Patrol or Company Safety Officers show favoritism toward truck drivers?”

Answer: “No, sir.”

Question # 5: “Will you always secure your vehicle at any time that you are away from it?”

Answer: “Yes, sir.”

Question # 6: “Will you always practice courtesy for others as specified in the Professional Drivers Manual?”

Answer: “Yes, sir.”

Interviewer: “Now we need to know how you feel toward the important issues of safety. Suppose you are hauling a full load through the steepest parts of The Rocky Mountains. You start down a long hill and your brakes fail. What would you do?”

Answer: ” I would reach for and use the emergency brakes that are on each truck for that reason.”

Interviewer: “Suppose the emergency brakes are no longer in operative condition. What would you do in that incident?”

Answer: “Well: I suppose that I would have no alternative but to reach back into the sleeper and wake up Earl.”

Interviewer: “Why in the world would you consider waking your partner in a situation like this?”

Answer: “That’s easy. Y’see, Earl; he aint never seen a BAD WRECK!”

Interviewer: “Your truck is outside. Can you start tomorrow?”

Demijon.

Demijon Dictionary; – “B” – BROADAXE: – A question covering a variety of subjects and ‘axed’ by a good old boy. Dj.

Medical Alert

After retirement in 1991; my roommate and I moved to the Southeastern coast of North Carolina and bought a home in Sunset Beach Since we were conveniently located nearby, we chose Myrtle Beach, S.C. to establish a relationship with the medical profession.

With referrals from friends in our neighborhood, we selected what we thought to be the best in the business for our primary physicians and would depend upon their guidance if a need for a specialist arose. Furthermore, we had heard nothing but praise for the Hospital facilities at Myrtle Beach. Our tenure there proved that the referrals were indeed verifiable. We, therefore, felt that we were well cared for; and that our health was their main concern.

To begin with, our primary physicians did a complete work-up to update our records. Then on subsequent visits, they examined us and treated anything else that they discovered was amiss in regard to our health. If medication was prescribed, they were thorough in their explanation of any adverse side effects and the possibility of treatment for those disorders.

If by chance we were Hospitalized, they worked closely with the specialists to insure the best care available. We were treated as friends in need; rather than a folder in their files.

Fast forward for fourteen years when we felt it necessary to move nearer to our children insofar as our advancement into the rolls of “Senior Citizens”. We purchased property in the neighborhood of one of our children. “He even promised to ‘Look After Us’ (something that had never before happened to two old fogies).

We have been settled into our new home in the foothills of North Carolina for eleven years and have gone through the selection process once again to determine a viable primary physician. Again, we depended on referrals from friends and neighbors. To help with their diagnosing and treating our ailments, we brought with us; our records from our former Doctors.

I suppose the major difference we found here, is that these Doctors, expect us to tell them precisely what is wrong with us; as well as the method of treatment that we expect. Then, they listen to our heartbeat, prescribe a medication and tell us to come back in so many weeks. If we are unable to tolerate this medication, it is changed to the next pill on the list from the Pharmaceutical salesperson.

Although our records are at their disposal; nothing is mentioned about an Annual check-up or an examination for any other illness. Apparently, a greeting; writing a prescription; and making another appointment; is the extent of their duties to those of us who depend on Medicare for payment; especially when younger patients are available.

In fact; After an emergency admittance into the Hospital, I requested to speak to my primary physician for 5 minutes of his time (between patients); and was told that I would have to make an appointment for an “Office Visit” to speak to him. Another example: I once had an appointment to see the Doctor at 8:00 A.M. I “checked in” at 7:45 and sat in his waiting room for 2 hours while patients, (without an appointment), entered and was escorted to see the Doctor. Needless to say: We are less than contented with the quality of medical care here, as compared to our former Professionals in Myrtle Beach,S.C.

I cannot truthfully say that we were not spoiled by the excellent service we enjoyed from our medical facilities and personnel at Myrtle Beach. There is an “OLD SAYING” that states; “Being ‘kind’ to a Dog will result in his wagging his tail; but being ‘mean’ will result in “Wagging his tail” AND “GETTING BIT.” “Which had you rather take a chance on”

At the very least; we can reminisce about the Good and the Bad medical treatment over the years; and be thankful that we have survived with all of our body parts; regardless of the fact that very few of them work as well as they did before we became “TWO YEARS OLDER THAN DIRT.”

Demijon

“I will not run!”

Strange as it may seem, any illusions of grandeur which I may have had in the past; have quietly dissipated along with my jet black hair and my 27 inch waistline.

Although I am sure that any political party would seek my nomination, if for no other reason than to back a winner: I hereby discourage any efforts on their part to support me as a candidate for Congress or the Presidency.

I am a simple man with; simple ideas, that are certain to raise eyebrows among the rank and file political hodgepodge. It does not take a genius to see that every legislative measure they endorse further complicates the already entangled mess that they vowed to fix while they were campaigning.

It is indeed quite comical how; ‘An Election’ can cause a total loss of memory. Promises made to constituents are left at the door of the Congressional Halls, and are never retrieved except on the occasions when career Politicians seek to be re-elected.

My ideas are not unique: Rather, they are much the same as those adopted by the fledgling Government in 1776. “LET THE PEOPLE SPEAK: AND ACT ACCORDINGLY.

Somewhere along the way; these ideas have become less important as the Government continues to grow more powerful. In fact, the majority of elected officials have no concept of the thinking of any voter except once every election year.

Sadly, the members of Congress are not necessarily representative of the people. They are, in fact, professional politician’s who, for the most part; are wealthy. They are probably the most pampered individuals in America. Is it any wonder that ALL members of Congress will vigorously reject any attempts to rid them of the power and status which their election to this office entails?

Where are the working-class people in the Congress? They are not there, simply because they do not have; nor can they raise, the money to seek election. The cost of a congressional campaign is estimated at, at least, several million dollars.

Election reform is on the agenda for practically every candidate and yet, in the past “UMPTEEN” years, this legislature has been soundly defeated. In turn, they pass bills which could save a few dollars; but end up curtailing benefits from programs designed to help the needy.

Where do these savings go? Unfortunately, they do not reduce the deficit, but rather end up financing such things as; Get This: “Elaborate, Federal Courthouses, with 1.6 million dollar ‘PRIVATE BOAT DOCK’S:” ‘Claimed to be necessary for dispensing justice’.

If, by chance, members of one party proposes an innovative solution to a problem, the other party rallies to defeat it. The only recent items which they both agreed on was a 35% raise in pay for themselves; funded under the guise of increasing “per-Diem expense vouchers for official travel..

Bureaucrats and special interest groups have succeeded in controlling the Government with only one thing in mind. That being, to seek and find new ways to spend more and more money, with the majority of it earmarked for their own pet projects.

Ironically; the people forgotten; are the working-class citizens: WHAT ARE THEY THINKING??? A simple tally of the contents of a BALLOT BOX and they; could be expelled from their plush jobs. ALAS: They would be required to work for a living.

I once observed a Congressman on Television; vigorously opposing a bill to re-vamp the cable network, C-SPAN. I could not help but notice that the only people present were the speaker, a couple of clerks and the cameraman. Where were the rest of the illustrious members? The room was conspicuously empty. I suppose the other members of the Congress were traveling with the; aforesaid, increased expense vouchers.

Now, you may ask why a person of my caliber would have no desire to seek the Office of President? The answer is really quite simple, and can be explained in simple terms.

“I am seriously deficient in the skill of being able to “flim-flam” anyone, with promises which I have no intention of keeping.” “I do not wish to waste mine, or other people’s money.” “I enjoy a certain amount of respect; and I am indebted to no one.”

To use the jargon of the common man…..

“I HAVE MORE SENSE!”

Demijon

Before Malls

How did people get along before Shopping Malls became a way of life?

“Very well.” “I know because I was there.”

Merchandising outlets were what many would call “General Stores;” but were usually referred to simply as “The Store,” by most of the rural and small town citizens. They housed about anything that a family needed to sustain them from groceries to hardware to basic clothing. They were also the center for local news as well as opinions on anything from politics to the outcome of wars. Some even served as polling places during elections and as courtrooms, if the owner/operator happened to be the Magistrate.

During the work-week, the clientele consisted mostly of men in search of parts for machinery, and supplies that had been forgotten during the Saturday “Shopping Spree.” There was usually a flurry of business around noon as youngsters were sent to buy ice for the tea or “Penny Drink.” The operator would then open the huge, wooden ice box, chip off what he thought to be “about a dimes worth.” After tying a string around the block and recording the purchase to the families continuous running account, he would inquire, “Your Daddy through with his plowing?” and send them on their way with melting ice water dripping on bare feet.

Saturday was customarily a busy day when entire families would gather to buy what they thought would be needed during the next week. This also afforded a time to visit neighbors, here for the same purpose, and to catch up on any news and gossip that heretofore had passed them by. After purchasing what they needed and “putting it on my bill;” they returned home for another week of hard work. “The Store” was never opened on Sunday unless a dire emergency arose and then was closed afterwards. Sunday was NOT a day to conduct business.

Shopping for school clothes and winter wear somewhat deviated from the normal in that the most of this shopping consisted of looking through the big Sears Roebuck catalog. After deciding on what was needed, shoe box lids were placed on the floor and footprints traced on them to insure proper size and the orders were mailed. Money orders, purchased at “The Store” usually accompanied the order since many did not have checking accounts and charge cards were unheard of.

You might say that “The Store” was the nerve center of any community. The social gathering place for people that did not have the means nor the transportation to travel to the larger cities. It was a place where you were not required to ‘SIGN’ for every purchase and your promise to pay was sufficient. It was a place in which most of your needs could be filled and where you were assured that your business was appreciated and most of all, you were among friends.

In St. Augustine, Florida; there is a museum of the old time general store. While there recently, my wife and I toured this quaint, exhibit. It brought back so many memories of a by-gone era to me that I almost said to the curator, “Daddy sent me for a dimes worth of ice and he said to put it on his bill.”

It really seemed to me that I could almost smell the aroma of large tins of coffee being opened to weigh out a pound or two on the “No Springs; Honest Weight” Toledo Scales.” The glass enclosed candy case brought back memories of purchasing; “A nickels worth of licorice.” Large hoops of cheese, with triangles cut out, sitting beside a barrel of crackers, made my mouth water. These memories are something that I will always treasure, and although shopping is much easier today, it really would be nice to have “The Store” again readily available.

Demijon

Remember When???

“Grass” was something you chopped from the rows in your fields or garden rather than filler for funny cigarettes.

“Yo Yo” was a toy operated by a string attached to your finger; and not two dudes answering in succession.

“Rap” was what you received on your head from the teacher when you failed to pay attention in class.

“Incense” was considered the amount of knowledge contained within a person’s head; and had nothing to do with the burning of smelly sticks.

“Bread” was an important part of the human diet and was far removed from the medium of exchange, stored in banks.

“Chicks” were simply the offspring of a hen and a rooster and, in no way, to be associated with the female of the human species.

“Line” was a straight mark drawn on an even surface or a string or rope; and not the definition of someone who handled the truth loosely.

“Poke” was a container used to carry ‘stuff’ in and had nothing to do with the connection of a fist in someone’s face.

A “Black Racer” was the fastest of a breed of the snake family and had nothing to do with an African American who was swift of foot.

“Discount” was merely Bubba’s way of telling a story; you know, “Discount and Discountess wus goin’ together.”

Uppercut had nothing to do with fighting. It was simply relating to the barber the type of haircut you wanted.

“Spam” was not in any way connected to a form of junk mail sent electronically. It was popular food for millions during World War II.

“Bail” was an amount of hay tied together with wire or twine rather than the price charged by the courts to get out of jail.

“Morbid” was the question the auctioneer asked before raping on the table with his hammer and declaring an item sold.

“Outback” was the location of the “Privy” and certainly not necessarily, a sparsely settled region in Australia.

“Housewarming” was not a party. It was the chore for the first person out of bed to build a fire in the fireplace.

“Frigate” was a word denoting disgust with something that does not work properly; and has no bearing on a fast sailing ship.

“Film Strip” was what them Hoochie-Coochie girls did when the cameras were rolling.

“Everlasting” was the account for the taste of the wild onion casserole served at the housewarming.

“Soundless” was simply an order from one or both parents to the youngun’s; describing the way they should play.

“Synoptic” was the way Bubba’s eyes reacted when he observed them “nekid hoochie-coochie girls” dancing.

“Topside” was the way Billy-Joe described his car shortly after he wrecked it; you know, “It were Topside-turvey.”

“Underbrush” was designated as a tool to be used for cleaning underneath the stove or refrigerator.

“Walkie-Talkie” refers to more than one woman, strolling through the mall or pretending to shop in a grocery store.

“Courtroom” was the ‘front room’ of the home; chosen as the place where young ladies were to entertain their boyfriends.

“Disarm” was the place Jim-Bo wanted the doctor to inject the needle when he went for his distemper shot.

“Epistle” was what the Mexican admitted was the weapon used when he was charged with shooting his neighbors dog.

“Farfetched” was the description Mavis used when telling about traveling ten miles to borrow a cup of sugar.

“Hardware” was what Bubba suffered when the ‘little woman’ put too much starch in his drawers

Writers name withheld by request.

AXIOMS

Things I LEARNED AS A CHILD!.

Barking Up The Wrong Tree;” Usage: – “If you think I’m not going to whip you, you’re….

Come Hell Or High Water:” Usage: – “You’re determined to worry me to death….

Everything But The Kitchen Sink:” Usage: – “You’ve broken….

Foam At The Mouth:” Usage: – “It’s not going to do you any good to….

Fuddy-Duddy:” Usage: – I don’t care if you do think that I am an old….

Get Your Walking Papers:” Usage: – If you mess around on your job; you’ll….

Graveyard Shift:” Usage: – “To put food in your belly, I’ve had to work the…..

Haste Makes Waste:” Usage: – “Stop being in such an all-fired hurry. Don’t you know that….

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another:” Usage: – “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you….

Joshing Me?” Usage: – “I don’t believe a word of that long-winded tale; Are you….

Like a chicken with its head cut off:” Usage: “You’ve been running around here…

Never Bite The Hand That Feeds You:” Usage: “As long as you put your feet under my table, you had better….

On Pins And Needles:” Usage: “Every time we have company, you keep me….

Realistically, I have always assumed that I, more or less, lead a well-adjusted childhood. However, from the axioms above, one can readily presume that….

“I lacked a few cans having a six-pack;”

“My elevator doesn’t go to the top:” and

“I was a few eggs short of a dozen:”

Although, I assume that many of you readers are not familiar with these axioms; I am convinced that you have been chastised accordingly at sometime during your youth.

Demijon

Do any of you know what the word; “CATTY-RUMPUS” refers to? Dj.

The Grandma Gear

“The more things change, the more they stay the same.” “What goes around-comes around.”

Of course; These are “old sayings;” but they have a ring of truth when it comes to the technology employed by the automobile industry. Surprising as it may seem to some. not all vehicles were originally equipped with Three, Four or even Five forward speeds. Neither did the buyer have a choice of Standard or Automatic shifting.

I suppose the closest to hands-free shifting was found in the Ford Model-T. Located in the floorboard underneath the steering wheel were three Diamond Shaped Pedals. Only one served a dual purpose. Depressing the left pedal all the way was neutral. Releasing the pedal halfway placed the bands in the ‘first or most powerful mode’ and when completely released, the vehicle was in the Fastest or High Gear.

The center pedal served only as the Reverse Mode and the right pedal triggered the Foot-Brakes. A hand operated lever to the left of the drivers seat was the Emergency Brake. Although shifting was accomplished with the feet, the Throttle was located on the steering column and operated by hand.

Then came the Model-A. Here, the three pedals gave way to only a clutch and brake pedals. Shifting into three forward gears as well as reverse, was done by moving a rod protruding from the floor in the center and to the right of the driver.

Since trucks needed a lower, more powerful gear to move heavy loads, the reverse position was moved from the upper left of the “Imagined- H;” to the right and down, by depressing a lever on the side of the shift rod.. Most truckers called this the Grandma Gear.

Later innovations moved the shifting rod to the steering column where it remained for many years, only to be returned to the floor in a few of today’s Hi-Tech, and Sport Vehicles. Various types of drives were experimented with over the years; Overdrive; Hi-drive; Power glide; and finally: “Five speed Manuel and Automatic Drive.

The same round-robin could be applied to the seats. Original ‘Bench-type Seats gave way to Bucket, to Bench, and back to Bucket.

Computers have taken much of the pleasure of driving from many of the ones of us who remember the days when driving a truck was the ultimate dream of a teenage boy.

Nothing can compare with the thrill of sitting behind the wheel of a heavily loaded truck: Listening to the groan of the engine on a steep hill; and knowing just when to Double-Clutch and shift into the Grandma Gear.

That’s living at its finest. Demijon

“WE?” or the “BEE?”

WHY NOT?

With our superior knowledge, we have a handle on this thing called nature. We have computers that inform us of weather; chemicals that control pests; machine’s that do most of the labor; that heretofore, we were compelled to perform before we got so smart. We’ve come a long way, baby.

Now, with all of this technology, we only have to work eight hours per day, 239 days per year (discounting weekends, 9 holidays and 13 sick days). No more of this working from sun to sun during the months of plenty in order to store enough of life’s subsistence to tide us over throughout the lean months.

What happened? “WE INVENTED MONEY!” With this medium of exchange, our needs are met at anytime. It is a simple matter to run down to the corner grocery and exchange this marvelous wealth for food, whenever the need arises. We have evolved to the point that it is unnecessary for us to hole up in our burrows and sleep until the barren land again produces its bounty. This is called progress, believe it or not.

We can now relax after our shift is over with the satisfaction that we are not required to scurry about; hiding food or flitting from bloom to bloom in the gathering of nectar, that will provide nourishment; to be shared with the entire community. It is also comforting to note that if we crave a little diversity in our lives, it is a simple matter to rob a Beehive of it’s succulent honey.

Actually, we do not care that the Bee had to fly for around 25,000 miles in order to collect enough nectar to equal one pound of honey. Neither are we concerned that “one pound” is hardly enough to feed himself and his young. After all, if they had the foresight to invent CASH; they too, could; “fly down to the ‘Quick-Save’ and buy a jar when needed.”

Most of us are familiar with the adage, “save for a rainy day.” Perhaps the lesson to be learned here is to more closely observe the tiny Bee. He works, he saves, he stores, and he sleeps all winter.

We, on the other hand, must still face the harsh weather, day after day, to collect the money, to exchange for the needed supplies, and regardless of our superiority, never seem to get enough sleep.

It certainly makes us wonder. Who has progressed the most; We or the Bee?

Demijon