Susie Mae, she done ‘cided’ta go on this hear diet. She tolt me that Miz. Mazie, she had went an’ ordered her one uv them diets frum Mr. Sears an’ Mr Roebuck. She had took an’ went on hit, an’ she done loss forty-fore pounds an’ she ‘lowed as how Susie Mae cud stand ta’ drap near-‘bout that much.
I ups an’ axed Susie Mae iffen she got on that thare diet; whot wuz I gonna git ta eat? She sez ta me, she sez, “Jay Henry honey, I jus’ don’t ‘spec you’s gonna suffer none as long as Silas has got them pork an’ beans an’ potted meat an’ crackers at th’ store.”
Now me, I didn’t take too kindly ta this hear tawk so I ups an’ sez, “Lissin hear womern, whenst I married up wiff you, you promissed ta fix me three squares a day an’ I’se done got used ta eatin’ high on th’ hog; so I ‘specks you’d better ferget that thare diet an’ stay fat.”
She flew mad as a wet settin’ hen. She railed out at me an’ sez, “I’ll have you know I ain’t fat! I’se jus a mite hefty, tha’s all; an’ I’se goin’ on that thare diet come hell’er high water, so thare Mr. smarty pants!”
She grabbed her bonnet an’ taken off to th’ store an bought a hole mess uv fixen’s fer that thare diet. Atter she had done got back, she axed me ta’ set up th cotton scales so’s she cud way, ‘fore she started an’ cud tell iffen she were losin’ any.
I went out ta th’ barn an’ tied a rope to th’ rafters an’ hung th’ scales on hit. Whenst hit were ready, Susie Mae, she come out thare an’ tolt me that th’ “little pee,” (balance weights), wud be ’nough ta’ way her. I tolt her I wuz a’thinkin’ more like hit wud take th’ “big pee, th’ little pee, an’ ‘then some.’ Atter all these years, I ort’ta knowed better’n ta aig her on like that thare. She got in such a dither, I thot she were gonna swaller her snuff.
Th’ stuff whot she were ‘llowed ta eat wuz stuff lak collard leave sallit,, aigs, raw carrots, an’ I don’t know whot all; an’ she cud’nt dramk nuthin ‘cept grapefruit juce; wiff no ‘lasses in hit. Th’ thangs whot she missed mos’ wuz corn bread, fat back, ‘taters’ an’ stuff lak that thare.
Atter while, folks commenced ta axe’in me iffin I had me a bad case uv Worms. I had fell-off ‘til I were jus’ ‘bout skin an’ bones. I tolt Susie Mae that iffen she didn’t commence a’cookin’ me some decent vittles, I were gonna parrish ta’ death ‘er else I were gonna have ta buy me some new overalls. Now let me tell you, that thare done th’ trick.
B’then she hyeard that I were ‘cn’sidderin’ spendin’ money on new overalls, she commence a’weannin’ herself offin that thare diet. Iffen theys anythang whot Susie Mae ‘spises, hits anybodie ELSE, a’spendin’ money. She had ‘bout ‘cided she had ruther be hefty, than have ta ‘splain ta’ folks that I ain’t Wormy; I’se jus’ hongry.
That thare Susie Mae; she be’s a pistol, when’st she gits her-seff ‘outen-sorts’ Dj.