Explaination

My Readers want to know!

Question: “Have you always been as charming and debonair as you are today?”

Answer: “No. I once was just like you; dull, ugly, cheap, and trashy.  Then I discovered the secret of the amazing ‘Slop-Jarcreams and lotions.  Daily usage of these products have done wonders for my looks as well as my demeanor.”

Question: “What was your youth like?”

Answer: “I was an average child.  My parents frequently borrowed one of the neighbor’s kids to carry with them to Sunday school.  There were times when they would tie an ear of corn, around my neck, so the Hogs would play with me.’   I suppose this could have helped build my delightful personality.”

Question: “When did you decide to become a sophisticated patron of the arts?”

Answer: “I suppose it was when I was sixteen and in the third grade.  I would spend hours studying the ‘graphic drawings & writings’ on the walls of the boy’s, (and sometimes the girl’s), bathroom.  Did you know that ‘they write on the walls, too?”

Question: “What are your goals in life?”

Answer: “To meet “Batman” in person, attend the hollering contest at “Spivey’s Corner,” see “Rock City,” and appear on “The Jerry Springer Show.”

Question: “It has been said of you that your fame has swelled your head.”

Answer: “Not true. I still wear the same CAT DIESEL” cap that I wore when I observed the graphics in the girl’s bathroom.  The protruding belly?  Now, that’s another story.”

Question: “What advice would you give to your fans?”

Answer: Take Notes,” from the writings in the girl’s bathroom.  Apply “Slop Jar Deodorant” before every date.  Never drink your Budweiser” from a glass.  Don’t  ‘hiccup’ while chewing your Levi Garrett” tobacco.  Watch “Judge Judy,”  every day.  And most importantly; Send It In’  to “Publishers Clearing House.”

Question: “If you could live your youth over again, what would you do differently?”

Answer: “I would sneak into the Girl’s bathroom first.”

*************

“You have just witnessed an interview with the famous author and notable artist, Demijon: who has recently acquired acclaim as the creator of “Slop-Jar” beauty products.”

“For more information about these astounding products call, “1-800 SLOP:  That’s, 1-800 SLOP.”  “Have your Credit Card ready,” and  “CALL NOW!”

“This would be Barbra Witherspoon, coming to you ‘live’ and ‘direct,’ from the studios of W.W.D.J. (a. m,)  620 on your dial.   Good night.”

Name of the creator of this mess, withheld by popular demand.    Dj.

My Image

As each day passes I am finding it harder and harder to maintain the image that I once projected.  When I was discharged from the Paratroops; I proudly possessed a 6 ft. – 2 in. - 185 lb. rock-solid,  body with a 27 inch waistline.

This was a result of regular exercise; good, (but not necessarily tasty), food; and more or less regular hours. It was somewhat pleasant to walk on the beach and to think that all of the young ladies were casting glances at me behind their dark glasses.

Years have a habit of slipping by all too fast and with them, went a portion of my image.  Each year brought a little more expanse to the trim waistline and weight was inching-up beyond the 200 lb. mark.  I reasoned that this was a result of better tasting food, and that I could bring my physique back in line at any time that I chose.

This minor detail did not hinder me from soliciting stares as I walked the beach, holding in my stomach with shallow breathing.  Although this was sometimes difficult, at least my image was being preserved.

With each passing year, it became more strenuous to hold my breath in order to keep the waistline in the vicinity of the original 27 inches.  The once taut muscles did not readily respond to the strain demanded of them.

I had also noticed that every weight scale that I stepped upon was either faulty, or in need of adjustment.  The makers of trousers were desperately trying to cut costs by making their products smaller.

More time passed and I began to notice that holding my breath would not suffice to bring my waistline back into the acceptable dimensions.  In addition, my skin had begun to show signs of being somewhat less tight and was tending to droop in places.

The final straw was dropped one day as I strolled down the beach, hoping to glean a few admiring looks from the assembled members of the opposite sex.  As I strolled, a young lady approached me and said: “Mister:  Your face is awfully red, and you are going to burst a blood vessel, if you don’t let your breath out.”

Today I keep my 280 lb.44 inch, waistline in a lounge chair and usually have it covered with a towel.  I still receive a few looks; but now they seem to be looks of sympathy.

Now, how’s that for IMAGE?

Demijon

If a Piano Player is a Pianist?  Is a Race Car Driver a Racist?     Dj.

Prices

Glancing through a catalog this morning, prompted the feeling that I am very old and decrepit’.

I will admit that the ‘Wim, Wigger & Witality,’ of youth has long since abandoned my frame; but the possibility that I am on the downhill slope of what; normally, I would have called a ‘despondent society,’  hit me like a ton of bricks.

What grasped my attention, while observing the ‘dry-goods,’ advertised in the catalog; was the cost of general, everyday, ‘run-of-the-mill,’ clothing.  I’m sorry, but I cannot bring myself to pay $44.00 / $65.00 for an average shirt or $110.50 for a pair of trousers. And, ‘oh-my-gosh,’  there was even a pair of Flip-Flops, listed for $48.00.

Call me an Old-Fogy, if you must; but I vividly remember selling Shirts for $1.98, Trousers for $5.95, and even Shoes, for $7.98, while working part-time in a department store as a teenager.  It’s important to note that this was quality, brand name, merchandise and not seconds.’   I can even remember buying Suits, for $35.00, after I was married with children.

Thank goodness for the Discount Stores and Warehouse Clubs, without which, I would be required to; “Go downtown with those two nice Policemen”, due to nothing more than ‘improper attire.’

Another draw-back of catalog shopping is the fact that the sizes small, medium, & large,” mean nothing, when attempting to fit them on my, ‘out of shape,’bulging,’ body that is hovering on the “far side of Medicare.”

The cost of returning merchandise, that does not fit; is sometimes more costy than the amount we can buy the same item for at, Uncle Sims Bottom Dollar.’

It is obvious that I will continue to garner stares and snickers, when I appear in public wearing an ‘entire wardrobe,’ that ‘cost less than the flip-flops, in the catalogs.

I rest my case.

Demijon.

Actually, this is the least of my worries.  It is a well-known fact that everyone, (who ‘IS’ anyone), is aware that my good looks,’ and pleasing personality,’  are far more important than expensive clothing.      Dj.

 

 

 

MULES.

“GEE & HAW”

Have you ever wondered just how one trains a mule to respond to directions?

Training or Breaking a mule is done in the following sequence.  A bridle is a harness that fits over the mule’s head with an iron Bit’ placed in the mouth.  The bit has rings on either side to which leather or rope plow lines are attached.

The lines are run through rings attached to the ‘harness’ that is fitted onto the Collar around the mules neck.  The lines then go to the handles on either side of the plow

Trace chains are hooked to the ‘harness’ at the collar, and travel through hooks on the back-band; over the center of the animals back, and then hooked onto the singletree that is attached to the front of the plow.

To guide the mule in the proper direction, the farmer or trainer’ pulls on the right line and yells GEE!- or HAW!  After repeated moves such as this, the mule begins to realize that GEE means move to the right. To move to the left, the left line is pulled and the yell is HAW.

After repeated tugs on either line at the same time GEE or HAW is yelled, the mule eventually learns to move either left or right on command. Depending on the particular animal, this training could take only a matter of hours or even days and weeks.

In isolated instances, this training could amount to naught since there were a few animals that were so danged mule-headed’   that they never learned.

I remember a neighbor once purchased a young mule that had never been broken.  He worked for weeks to train the mule to plow without success.  He finally asked my father to help him to break the animal.

Together, they hitched the mule to a jog-stock in an open field.  Regardless of their attempts, the training was fruitless until my father walked over to a nearby woods and cut a small sapling tree about eight feet long.

With the neighbor holding onto the plow and lines; he got the mule walking in a straight line.  When he yelled GEE, my dad hit the mule behind the ear with all of his strength.  The same thing occurred when HAW was yelled.

It took several licks with the sapling before the mule would literally JUMP to the right or left, with only a mere whisper of gee or haw.

Mules, like some humans, learn fast while others take a while longer; but eventually all do learn.

Demijon

Anyone questioning these methods will prompt the response; “Y’all aint from around here?”   “Are y’all?”     Dj

Hit weren’t THAT Bad.

“Based on a true occurrence!”

Susie Mae, she were some more nervous th’ fust time them folks at the Church axed her to play th’ pieanner.  She had sot up most uv th’ night, a-rollin her hair up on socks an a-arnin her frock.  She sez to me, she sez“ Jay Henry, honey;  Jus’ whot’s I’m gonna do iffen I gets all flabergasted an’ mess’s up?”  I tolt her that hit wern’t  nothin’ to git so ‘cited ’bout ’cause them folks wus jus’ folks, an hit wern’t like she were makin her ‘day-bu’ on Th’ Grand Ole Opry.”

When we’uns got to th’ Church an’ parked th’ log truck, we’uns noticed that everybody what seen us wuz a-laughin.  I tolt Susie Mae that hit shore were nice to make so many folks happy by jus’ drivin’ up.  I kinda ‘spect’d my new overalls had a lot to do wiff hit.

They had went an’ tolt us that the Preacher were a Doc. too.  Susie Mae thought that were awful sweet uv them folks to hire somebody to take care uv th’ sick folks,’ an’ do th’ preachin’ too.

We’uns went in an’ got us a seat on a bench, way up front; so Susie Mae wud be close to th’ pieanner. She purely wonted to make shore them folks noticed her new frock whot them Spiegal folks had jus’ went an’ sont her.  I had ta’ keep remindin’ her to not git carried away, an’ start playin’ her favorite song, “Ain’t No Boogers Out Tonite.”

Well’sr, things went along perty smooth, up ’til hit come time fer her to play.  Whenst she got up; ‘lo an’ behold,’  her stockin’s fell down.  I will have ta say that she handled hit perty good by playin’ wiff one hand an’ a-pullin on her stockins wiff the other’n.

Them folks must of enjoyed hit fer they wuz still laughin’ whenst we got ready to leave.  Susie Mae, she wonted ta axe the Doc. fer a pill fer her rhumatiz; but I wudn’t let her.  I mis-doubt that he toted his satchel wiff him to preachin’ nohow.

Thangs has settled down some since that fust time; an’ Susie Mae she be’s careful to put on her garters when she has ta play th’ pieanner.  Funny thang though;  We’uns still has th’ knack fer makin’ everybody happy ’cause they all jus’ bust out a-laughing ever time we come ta church.

Jay Henry.   Writ by Demijon.

Me an’ Susie Mae, shore ‘preciates’ hit.     Dj.

Welcome; Th’ BEAR!

Ever since Th’ Bear learned to read and write, he has been pestering me to let him post an article on my Blog-Site.  He has been quite insistent, even when I explained that very few Dogs read my Blog.  I think his main interest is to impress the white Poodle across the street.

When I became exceedingly tired of his whining and relented; he made it clear that I would not be permitted to edit his work.  Hopefully, no one will be offended if his writing is not up to my usual high standards.

So; my friends:  Please welcome TH BEAR!

MY HUMANS

IMAG0002 I adopted two people, (man & woman), several years ago and have made a futile attempt to train them.  The man is not so bad, but the woman is something else.  She simply refuses to understand when I ask for my Backfuss or a Milk Bone treat.

She also ignores me when I am in desperate need to pee or pookie.  Although she pays little attention to my requirements, she becomes extremely outraged if I exercise my options to either go outside or use the floor.

There is, however, one attribute that she has learned, and that is to allow me to lie in her lap for my naps.  She has a terrible habit that I have yet to break her of; and that is to leave the house without my permission.  She completely ignores my pitiful pleadings for her to stay.

I do not mind so much when the man stays with me; but there are times when both of them leave and as a result, I suffer from a nervous stomach and reflux until their return.

I have tried repeatedly to instill in them an obligation to put my health and well-being foremost but, as yet; my efforts have fallen on deaf ears.  I suppose I will eventually need to send both of them to Obedience School.

I would not mind the trouble or the expense of this; if either of them would demonstrate a few Show-Human” characteristics, but neither has yet to exhibit these qualities.  Let’s face it; they are a sorry lot.

The agency through which I adopted them apparently did little or no research into their abilities beforehand; therefore, I suppose I am stuck with them, so I will try to make the best of it.

After many years of intensive instructions, I have succeeded in teaching the man of my need to go ridey-ridey to a golf course, or any vacant lot; a couple of times each day for my constitutional toilet breaks.

The woman is definitely not as easily trained.  She even seems thrilled that I have lead her to believe that I am afraid of her threats, (to use a fly swatter), when she tries to get my attention.  My pretending to run from it will produce laughter of orgiastic proportions.  It takes so little to make her happy.

It is not my intention to burden you with my troubles; but I did want to explain the unethical conduct of my humans.’  I sincerely hope you will excuse their behavior and realize that I am doing the best I can with what little I have to work with.

Bear.

Important Note: (From Dj).   I promise you that if a Pulitzer Prize is awarded for the above post, there will be two deranged’ humans living with Th’ BEAR!

Demijon

“Yell at me for barking???”  “What do you expect me to do???”   “I’m a dog, for goodness sake.”   Love, Bear.

 

Better than Nothing.

There has been much ado about the unemployment situation in the media lately, and I’m sure that it has become a major concern to many people.  I have been extremely fortunate in that I have never lacked for work.  I have had numerous jobs that I did not particularly like, but they provided an income until a better opportunity came along.

I am certain that the loss of one’s job could be a traumatic experience for anyone, but I firmly believe that if anyone actively seeks work it can be found.  I have been retired for better than 20 years.  During much of that time, I ‘padded’ my paltry income with work as a Handyman.

There was never a day passed that someone did not ask me to do some task for them.  I stayed busier than I did when I was among the ranks of the active work force.  Small odd jobs were plentiful, just about in every neighborhood. and I assume they still are.

Contractors cannot afford to remove a worker from a $100,000.00 project to mow someone’s Lawn.  So; To whom do they turn?  The Handyman, of course.  Taking in account my advanced age; this was ‘right down my alley.’

I was not trained; or for that matter, am not highly skilled in the many aspects that constitute the profession of “Handyman.”  However; by being realistic; it does not require much training to, mow grass, rake leaves, trim shrubbery, etc. Therefore, I suppose that I was as qualified as anyone in that chosen profession.

The more technical problems, I either left to the masters of the trade, or else tried to figure them out myself.  Some broken items were fairly simple, and I was able to repair them.  Replacing worn / broken parts, amounted to just installing new parts; in exact reverse of taking the old ones out.

My point; is not to pat myself on the shoulder; but to advise anyone faced with losing their job that; Work is out there!’  Let your friends and neighbors know that you are available and “willing,” and; “The world will beat a path to your door.”

To most of the people that I came in contact with, cost was not necessarily the question.  What they were looking for was availability and willingness.

Even today, I hear someone say that they cannot find anyone to do this chore’ or ‘that chore’, for them.

If I could live my life over again, I believe I would make my career as a professional “Handyman” and only concentrate on small repairs and odd jobs.  Believe me, there is a huge demand for someone to do the little things that the bigger Companies cannot, or will not, do.  Therefore, the work is not done until the “Handyman shows up.”

I really understand, that unemployment is serious business; but what I am attempting to relay is that it’s NOT’ the end of the world.

Be available, be willing, be reasonable with your charges; and you can have more work than you can possibly do.  If being ‘too busy’ presents a problem; “Turn the work down!”

“Do NOT promise;  if you cannot deliver!”  Believe me; “IT WORKS!”

Demijon

“So; the income from Handyman work, is not equal to that of a C.E.O.”  It still puts bread and beans on the table.”      Dj.

Farm Life.

Announcement from; Parents, ‘when I was Young:’

“You children take off your school clothes;  get your Cotton Sacks and come to the fields as soon as the Bus runs.”

***************

Question from; Modern Day Youngster, to parents”

“Daddy:  The “COTTON-PICKER”  is over at Mr. Oliver’s.”  “Do you want me to go over there and tell him to come here next?”

THE REST OF THE STORY:

In late summer; many days of back-breaking work was spent to harvest the fruits from the Cotton Plants, that most folks in the South depended on for their livelihood.  In many cases, this was the only cash crop, grown on small farms and the technology for ‘Mechanized Cotton Pickers’ was unknown.

When the fields appeared to be solid white as the cotton-bolls opened and displayed the ‘soft, fluffs’ that represented money to the average Farmer, frenzied efforts were required to gather the yield from the plants before winds or the rain damaged the crop enough to lower the selling price.

As a general rule, everything possible was put on hold and entire families donned Cotton Sacks, to take advantage of the hot, summer days when Cotton would flourish.   Only when the fields had been picked clean and the Cotton housed; could a family expect to get top dollar from their year-long labor.

The introduction of mechanical farm equipment was cost prohibitive for most small farmers to purchase.  The only other option was to hire an operator with a mechanical picker for a day or two.  This was sometimes impractical for one Farmer.

The solution was accomplished by several farmers in the general vicinity to contract for the equipment at the same time.  If the machinery did not have to move very far, the fees were lower and usually within the reach of the smaller farms.

The mechanized equipment did not clean the fields as well, and the ‘left-over’  fluffs of Cotton, became a bounty for young enterprising children.  Most farmers would allow their children to gather the remaining cotton when the machines were finished.  They were eager to pick and sell this, “Scattered-Cotton.”

This product was then sold to the Cotton Gins, to be combined with scraps from other farms.  The Gins as well as the children, benefited from this arrangement.

The few coins received from scattered cotton’ was usually the extent of most children’s ‘walking around money.’  Any other revenue was needed to maintain an acceptable lifestyle for the entire family.  By today’s standards; we were poor;  We just didn’t know it.”

Been there;  Done that.

Demijon

Is it possible to have a CIVIL War?”      Dj.

Axioms

THING, I LEARNED AS A CHILD!.

Barking Up The Wrong Tree;”  Usage: -  “If you think I’m not going to whip you, you’re….

Come Hell Or High Water:”  Usage: -  “You’re determined to worry me to death….

Everything But The Kitchen Sink:”  Usage: – “You’ve broken….

Foam At The Mouth:”  Usage: – “It’s not going to do you any good to….

Fuddy-Duddy:”  Usage: – “I don’t care if you do think that I am an old….

Get Your Walking Papers:”  Usage: – If you mess around on your job; you’ll….

Graveyard Shift:”  Usage: -  “To put food in your belly, I’ve had to work the…..

Haste Makes Waste?”  Usage:  -  “Stop being in such an all-fired hurry.  Don’t you know that….

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another:”  Usage: -  “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you….

Joshing Me?”  Usage: -  “I don’t believe a word of that long-winded tale;  Are you….

Like a chicken with its head cut off:”  Usage: “You’ve been running around here…

Never Bite The Hand That Feeds You:”  Usage:  “As long as you put your feet under my table, you had better….

On Pins And Needles:”  Usage:  “Every time we have company, you keep me….

!***************!

Realistically,  I have always assumed that I, more or less, lead a well-adjusted childhood.  However, from the axioms above, one can readily presume that….

“Demijon lacks a few cans having a six-pack;”

“His elevator didn’t go to the top:” and

“He is a few eggs short of a dozen:”

Although, I assume that many of you readers are not familiar with these axioms; I am convinced that you have been chastised accordingly, at sometime during your youth.

Demijon

Do any of you know how the word; “CATTY – RUMPUS,” should be correctly used in a sentence?        Dj.

Home Remedies.

There are thousands of remedies available today; for, any and all, kinds of ailments.  They are available ‘over the counter,’ in drug stores, also on the shelves of grocery stores, Mini-Marts, and sometimes even in Service Stations.

Most of these products are the ones that a ‘spokes-person’ claims that Doctors recommend two-to-one.’  You are probably as confused as I am about which one of these products is best suited to your needs.

During my childhood there were a few products that could be bought across the counter and without a prescription from a Doctor, and in many cases those few products were cost prohibitive.

Most people relied on the tried and true remedies that had been handed down from generations past.  Surprisingly enough, many of these remedies worked in numerous situations.

One that I remember very well was a cough syrup’ made from a teaspoon of sugar with a few drops of whiskey.  Sometimes the only spirits that were readily available was the infamous ˜White Lightning”.  However, this did the trick.

When our children developed a cold, it usually meant that they would have trouble sleeping because of persistent coughing.  After trying many brands of over the counter cough syrups, we finally resorted to the old sugar and whiskey” blend.  One spoonful was all that was necessary to quiet their coughing and allow them to sleep.

Today, we are bombarded with promises that if we will only use this or that product, our lives will be forever changed for the better.  Not only do Doctors recommend these products two-to-one, but also many celebrities have created and / or claim to use their own brand of certain products.

If they work for them and they still look like a million dollars; how can they fail for those of us that look as if we’ve been rode hard and put up wet?  Most of us will have to admit that the celebrities had more going for them in the looks department ‘before,’ using the product.

Some remedies have no need for extensive advertisements.  They rely on plain, common sense.  For example; I once attended a sales seminar during which, one person in the audience with a persistent cough was constantly distracting the Speaker.

He ignored the interruption for some time, but finally it became too great.  He stopped with his presentation and directed his attention to the coughing individual.

He said:  “Brother, I can cure that cough.  Tonight, before you go to bed; I want you to drink a pint of Castor Oil.”

“Will that cure my coughing?”  The obviously distraught citizen asked, between coughs.

“NO!”  Replied the Speaker, with a smile:  “But, tomorrow; when you wake up; Now, THAT’S a different story:”   THEN,”  My Friend;  [..….].

“I – ‘D – DOUBLE – DARE;’  – ‘You to cough’ !!!

Demijon

It only stands to reason that it, ‘makes quite a difference;’  if one lives in; [.....].

“3 rooms and a PATH.”     Dj.