An invitation for dinner and the theater was instrumental in my loathing for him. He has as many years under his belt as I, and yet his hair only shows a sprinkling of grey and his waistline does not give the impression of an over-inflated life preserver. All of his muscles appear to be in the proper place and his skin is taut without the resemblance of cracked leather.
He neither groans nor reaches for support when he sits or rises. He seems to be in complete control of his faculties. When questioned about anything, his response is not the “Duuh-Ruu” which has become synonymous with our own mode of speech. He does not receive a pat on the head and the words, “There-There” from others on the rare occasions when he will appear in public.
His optimistic outlook contradicts the impression that most people hold for those of us who make up the ranks of “Senior Citizens.” His accounts of eighteen holes of golf followed by a five mile run brings about a severe case of dry heaves from the ones of us who are still out of breath from merely putting on our shoes. How do we tell him that his wanton display of vitality is despicable? Would he be offended if we simply said to him, “You make me sick?”
This was my thinking for years until I discovered that all of this is a farce. His salt and pepper hair is a result of many hours spent in the “Cut & Curl” salon. The trim waistline can be attributed to “Platex.”
The tight, smooth skin attests to the fact that “Cover Girl” really does work. Countless hours of practicing controlled breathing is responsible for the lack of grunts and groans. What would normally be glances of sympathy, in his case are interpreted as looks of “I can’t believe it.”
Deep down, his life in general is as rotten as the majority of us. The golf game consists of nothing more than the insertion of a floppy disc into the modem and following instructions from “Micro-Soft.”
The five mile run is accomplished through the auspices of a video tape of Bill Clinton’s latest excursion around Washington. Let’s face it, he is as decrepit and miserable as we are; however, he does have one thing going for him.
He is an avid devotee of the acting profession. His ability to hold the attention of his audience is second to none. It concerns me that he has never been presented an award for his efforts by the Academy of Arts and Sciences.
The ever present witty remarks which he employs in response to any and all situations can be found in the current issue of “Reader’s Digest.” Questions about his youthful demeanor are usually answered with quotes from “Health & Fitness.” His desire to remain forever young at whatever the price is of the utmost importance to him.
Even an invitation to dinner must be extended well in advance in order for him to “Touch-Up” his face, Wiggle into the girdle, rehearse a humorous comment and wait for the heavy breathing to subside after putting on his shoes.