“Believe It or Not:”

This expression usually accompanies a profound statement about someone or an event of astronomical proportions. The person making the statement is confident that they are the first to relate the story to you. Usually this statement is preceded by; “let me tell you about this. You wont believe it.” or “Hey, did you hear about…?”  ” You won’t believe this.”

Why shouldn’t I believe it?  If it is true; then there should be no doubt in either of our minds. On the other hand; why bother if the tale is only a rumor.

Rumors begin as simple, sometimes meaningless statements made during a conversation between two or more individuals. With each telling, the story becomes more graphic and the final outcome could very well sound unbelievable.

To illustrate, let’s assume that Fred and Joe are conversing. Joe: “Did you hear about the preacher getting up at 6:00 a.m. and his wife slept until 7:00?”

Fred then relates the story to Jim. “I heard that the preacher beat his wife up.” Jim’s version as told to Bill. “The preacher and his wife had a big fight.” Bill relates his rendition to Mary. “Jim told me that the preacher broke his wife’s nose.” Mary calls Jane. “I hope the preacher’s wife will be able to walk with the cast on her leg.” Jane tells Margaret. “Poor thing, I heard that she has bruises all over her body as a result of their big fight.” Margaret then asked Ned, “Have you heard when the preacher’s wife will be out of the hospital?” Ned tells Alex. “I heard that the preacher’s wife has only a few more days left.” Alex calls the preacher and says, “You have my sympathy. Is there anything that I can do for you?”

The preacher replies, “Yes, please don’t wake my wife up.” “She sleeps until 7:00, you know.”

Exaggerated? Sure, but you can readily see how a simple statement can get completely out of control.  We must carefully consider the implications of anything in which there is the slightest cause for exaggeration. Doing so will prevent rumors that if left to intensify could seriously damage one or more persons.

Think about it.  Are we adding a little spice to what would be an otherwise superficial statement?  Could any additions cause undue pain or stress?  If so; then we would be extremely wise to refrain from repeating any undocumented statement.

Demijon

“YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS: BUT…”  “According to my sources, the wife was the one who beat the Preacher up; and  ‘Incidentally’;  “the funeral is on Monday.”       Dj.

Re-Creating Needed.

I go back quite a way, to when the world was simpler.  If there were any cute little expressions then, they meant something rather than just silly banter.  For instance, if you “reached out and touched someone,” chances were, you got your ‘nose re-shaped,’ if her husband was near-by.

We didn’t have to “loovvee this place” in order to enjoy the food in a particular restaurant.  And, not only, did we NOT wear our hats backwards, we removed them upon entering the establishment.

If on occasion a product did have a jingle, we took it seriously. In fact; I wondered for days on end, just where the yellow went when I brushed my teeth with Pepsodent.” 

I could almost smell the guy with the fog-horn voice when he said that Life Buoy stops “Beee Ooooh.”  We had seen the dutch girl, “chasing dirt” every time we used the cleanser.

We depended on advertisers to tell us what their products would do for us. We did not need or want someone jumping and dancing around with a soft drink in his hand to tell us that the drink was good.  Just ask us to try it.

Okay:  We try it and we like it;  Therefore, we purchase it again.  Simple, huh?  “Why pay celebrates Big Bucks to praise their product?”  “If it turns out to be as good as they claim;  ‘I will do it for nothing more than a free sample.”

Some of the ads today are so asinine, that I’m sure the ad councils consider everyone to be a bunch of imbeciles.  Why do they think that I will buy a product because some dumb-ass ‘jumped into a well in the desert, opened a beer and it began snowing?

It really has reached a new low when they resort to ‘bungee jumping;’ and the only thing left at the end of the commercial,  “(Just a word about our ‘wonderful footwear’);” is a pair of shoes; dangling on a cord..  That is not cute, or even innovative:  It is sickening!  I wonder just how many people have thought of trying this stunt.

These ads have gotten so bad that they have to caution people, “not to try it at home”.  Why then, is it necessary for us to be subjected to this idiotic display on television?

The maximum speed limit is 65 mph, nationwide; yet an automobile is depicted traveling at; well above,,maximum speed on curving mountain roads and they are telling me that they have more power than the competitor:   BUT, “we are not to use this power at home”. Why should we buy it if we cannot use it?

Thank God for the invention of the remote control.  With this device, I do not have to watch or listen to some Moron, doing the impossible, simply because he uses this or that product.

Even the Hospitals have gotten in on the act.  Nurse’s come into my room and ask, “Is our back better?”  or,  “Does our head still hurt?”  or  “Have we had our breakfast yet?”  “Are we ready for our bath?”

I’m sure you have experienced this; if you have ever been a ‘victim’ of a  CUTE, YOUNG, NURSE-IN-TRAINING.   If not: I would advise, a word of “Caution:  This does not necessarily, work both ways.

For instance;   ‘SHE’ was beside my bed; while;  “We” were having our ‘pill-time;’   I had trouble concentrating on anything except her tight, starched, uniform.  “Then; it happened.”  “I, accidentally touched “our thigh,”  and she slapped  “OUR FACE!”

Demijon

“Just tell it like it is, brother.  We are tired of spending our hard-earned money to support some Idiots, who advertises product’s that they have never seen nor used.”     Dj.


Attention; All “Young Folks.”

It’s everyone’s job:  Like it or not.

There are very few children who do not anticipate growing up, and to eventually become able to; “Run with the big dogs.” Their wish to emulate the adults around them increases each year until they finally reach the age of majority.  It is here that reality sets in and many of the fantasies they have looked forward to for so long become overshadowed by the actuality that; “It ain’t what it’s cracked up to be!”

For instance:  The passage of time during their early years was measured in months instead of days.  It seemed forever to wait until another birthday, a holiday, Christmas, etc.  Patience is not their strong suit at this juncture in their lives.  It is every parents wish that their offspring remains a child for as long as possible; but even they remember similar feelings from their own childhood.

Try as we might; we fail to instill in their young minds some of the things they will face as an adult.  For the benefit of the young who read this blog, I will include a listing of a few problems that they will encounter once they reach the age of being; “some two years older than dirt.”

#1  –  Almost everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt ‘will not work’.

#2You get to the point of looking forward to ‘a dull evening’.

#3Your back ‘goes out’ more than you do.

#4 –  The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your ‘wife’.

# 5 –  Your children are beginning to look ‘middle-aged’.

#6The list of names in your ‘little black book’, all end in M.D.

#7 –   You know all the answers; but nobody ‘asks you the questions’.

#8 –   The gleam in your eye is the reflection of the Sun on on ‘your bi-focal’s.

#9 –   Your ‘pacemaker’ opens the garage door of the pretty girl across the street.

#10 – Your knees buckle; but your ‘belt won’t’.

More valuable advice from “The Demijon Book” of important “Stuff” will be on the market soon.  To reserve your advance copy, have your credit card ready and call BR-549.

That’s BR-549;  CALL TODAY!

 Demijon

Demijon’s Dictionary  –  “J”  –  Juncture  –  “Bobby Frank told me that you juncture car after you wrecked it.”

It Ain’t Easy.

IT IS JUST FLAT OUT; “HARD TO DO.”

While my wife turned the collar on my Sunday shirt, I went out to the barn and got three quarts of 10W40 oil and put it in the bed of the pickup. I figured that with a little luck we could make it the 65 miles to Billy Frank’s wedding over in Dudley before the motor locked up.

Billy Frank had been “going with” Mae Nell Purvis for about four years before her daddy decided that they should have:  “A quiet, formal wedding:”  (A Silencer on a white shotgun):

Billy Frank was not the first choice for an IN LAW”;  but Cousin Thurlow had long since given up hope that Mae Nell would eventually get married.  When Billy Frank replaced “Stinky-Lee” Curtis; on the, every-other week, ‘Garbage- Run’ to the County Land-Fill; Cousin Thurlow considered the regular County Paycheck; as reason enough to accept another mouth to feed.

Ethel Lee: That’s my wife; come out on the porch with her new print dress on and said, “Go get a feed sack and throw over that truck seat so that axle grease won’t ruin my dress.”

While I got the sack, she went back in the house and wrapped the ‘Present’‘ in a nice Food Lion plastic bag.  The present that she was taking to Mae Nell and Billy Frank’s wedding was a big bunch of ‘Plastic, White, Gardenias.’  She knew that Gardenias were Mae Nell’s weakness.  Sorta puts her in mind of a funeral.

We had no more than got to the big road when Ethel Lee kicked over her spit can and her white tennis shoes was suddenly brown. “Stop down at the creek and I’ll wash them off. They’ll dry before we get there if I put them in the bed of the truck,” she said.

To get her some water; I had to climb over a barb-wire fence to get to the Creek and ripped a big hole in the crotch of my Sunday britches. “Dad blame,” I said.

“Stop that cussin;’ or I’ll just go back to the house;” Ethel Lee roared; when she fount-out that she wud have to patch my britches.”  Anyhow;  She found a safety pin somewhere under that dress, and I pinned my britches back together while I cleaned-up  her shoes, and we went on to Dudley.

I didn’t recollect exactly how to get to cousin Thurlow’s house, so I stopped at a filling station at the edge of town. There was a ’36 Plymouth parked beside the station and somebody was bent over under the raised hood. I asked him if he could tell us how to get to Cousin Thurlow’s. “Shore; he muttered: Turn leff at th’ fus’ blinker lite an’ hit’ll be th’ nex house on th’ rite.”

From somewhere inside the station came a voice, “T’wont, no secha-thang.”

“Twill too,” from under the hood.

“T’wont neither,”  “At-‘airs th’ Simmon’s place,” said the station.

When we finally got directions and drove up in the yard, Mae Nell come out of the house, took one look at them gardenias and commenced just a’squawlin’ “Y’all so sweet,” she said.

When the wedding was over and we had come back home, I said to Ethel Lee, “It flat ain’t easy trying to marry off kinfolks; but I reckon in Billy Frank’s case, it was worth it.” 

Ethel Lee said;  “Mos-likely; Cussin Thurlow jus’ ‘laid down the law, ‘when he fount-out that Mae Nell wus’ “Bigged.”

Jay Henry

That’s  “A’NUFF; okay?      Dj.

UGH – OHH !!!

WHAT IF???

WOMAN:  “What would you do if I died?  Would you marry again?”

MAN:  “Probably not!”

WOMAN: “Why not?”   “Don’t you like being married?”

MAN:  “Of course I do.”

WOMAN:  “Then; why would you not re-marry?”

MAN:  “Okay;  I’d possibly get married again.”

WOMAN:  “You would?”  (with a hurtful look on her face).

MAN:  “I suppose so.”  (making an audible sigh).

WOMAN: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”

MAN:  “Why; Yes.  Were else would we sleep?”

WOMAN:  “Would you replace my pictures with photographs of her?”

MAN:  “That would seem proper.”

WOMAN:  “And would you let her drive my car?

MAN:  “It would make no sense to purchase another vehicle?”

WOMAN:  “Would you let her wear my dresses and use my golf clubs?”

MAN:  “Definitely NOT!”    “She couldn’t:”   “She’s a size 6 and ‘She’s left-handed.”

WOMAN: !!!  “Emits a series of ‘SEMI – SILENT’ GROANS”  !!!

MAN:  “SH*T!”

Demijon

“Beware, my friends!  Your chances are much better at Publishing Clearing House.   Dj.

TID_BITS – special – “4 for a Dollar.”

I have a spelling check or,

It came with my PC;

It plainly marks four my revue

Mistakes I cannot sea.

I’ve run these poem threw it,

I’m sure your please too no,

Its letter perfect in ever weigh,

My check or tolled me sew.

PLUS

PREACHERS CAN’T WIN

If he preaches too long, he’s long winded;  If his sermon is short, he didn’t prepare it.

If the church has a surplus, he’s a businessman;  If he mentions money, he’s greedy.

If he visits his congregation often, he’s discourteous; If he doesn’t visit he’s antisocial.

If he holds fund raisers, he’s extravagant;  If he doesn’t, the offering is inadequate.

If he listens to, and advises sinners, he’s a meddler; If he doesn’t, he’s complacent.

If he preaches in a quiet voice, he’s boring;  If he raises his voice, he’s being theatrical.

If the service begins on time, his watch is fast;  If one minute late, a tee time is missed.

If he leads the music, he’s showing off;  If he doesn’t, he’s incompetent.

If he decorates the church, he’s wasting money; If he doesn’t, he lets it deteriorate.

If he’s young, he’s not experienced enough; If he’s old, perhaps he ought to retire.

BUT.

IF HE DIES, THERE WILL NEVER BE ANYONE WHO CAN REPLACE HIM!

AND

A three year old boy and a five year old girl were playing house.  Hand in hand, they rang the doorbell of their next – door house.  The neighbor opened the door.

The girl said, “We’re playing house. This is my husband and I’m his wife.”

“Come in.”  answered the neighbor, “Would you like some cookies and lemonade?”

“Yes, thank you,” said the girl as they accepted the tall glass of lemonade and cookies.

After a while, the neighbor asked, “Would you care for more?”

“No, thank you,” replied the girl, “We have to go now.  My husband has wet his pants.”

“ENOUGH  SAID”

“The purpose of the above post, is for those who have absolutely nothing to do.  In the event that something more exciting comes up while you are absorbing this data;. For example: An insistent urge to visit the bathroom.”  “Please earmark the place where you were reading, in order to continue without interrupting the continuity.”

Thank You.      Dj.

Say WHAT???

Now, you all know me. I would never imply that our Pastor is LONG – WINDED.”   However, on a recent Sunday the small gathering of believers were privileged to have in attendance a world-renowned author.  After what seemed an eternity since our Spiritual Leader began his sermon,  He stated;

“We are indeed honored to have with us today Mr. Jake Sutherland, author of such best sellers as “Plowing for fun and profit;”   “A Walk Through The Tater Patch:”   “Dirty Hands – Clean Minds:”    “Weeds Are Our Friends:”  and many, many, more books that have inspired millions of readers with an informative, down-to-earth, approach to problems that we all face on a daily basis.  It has been my privilege to know him since his first endeavor into the world of literature. Truly a man who needs no introduction, Mr. Sutherland has carved for himself a niche among the greatest writers in the country.  His simple style of writing has endeared him to those of us who are confronted with obstacles in the course of our daily lives, and are desperate for answers to our many problems.  His knowledge has been gained; not from formal training, but rather from the hard knocks of life.  To put it bluntly, he knows from whence he speaks. At a time when we all are at wit’s end, it is indeed a blessing that he has taken a few moments from his busy schedule to share with us a few of his experiences.  I know that you will join me in welcoming Mr. Sutherland to our Church, and I believe that I can speak for everyone when I say that we are in dire need of the proficiency that this person attacks the everyday issues with which we are unable to cope.  It is therefore with sincere pleasure that I present to you, one of the country’s finest writers. He is a person of impeccable wisdom; A man with the foresight to bring to the rank and file, ingenious methods of solving some of our worst encounters.  Without further ado, it is my extreme pleasure to introduce to our community, my friend, Mr. Jake Sutherland; a man who is comfortable in the presence of kings and dignitaries the world over. Mr. Sutherland, we are indeed happy that you have chosen to “ADDRESS” us this evening, and to share your expertise with us.”   Turning again the congregation, he resumed;  ” Please join with me in welcoming, Mr. Jake Sutherland, who will now favor this small community of faith with his “ADDRESS?”

Rising from his seat, Mr. Sutherland approached the podium, glanced at the obviously tired worshipers and simply stated,      —-     “1427 North 33rd Street;  Airetown, North Carolina:”    “Thank You and A-MEN!”

Demijon

“I was thirteen years old when I found out that my name was not;  “Just wait until your Daddy comes home.”

Axioms

As a child; you, no doubt, have experienced one or more of these.

“If you don’t stop that whining; I’ll give you something to whine about!”   –        A warning that such behavior would not be tolerated.

“I don’t mean maybe.”   – Follow-up to the above statement.

“Go; cut me a Hickory!”   – Final action taken if both the above warnings were ignored.

“You don’t know Diddly-Squat!”   – Assuring that you are not as smart as you think.

“That ‘Rigamaroll’ will get you nowhere!”    – Your excuses are not valid.

“It’s a piece of cake!”    – There is no reason for not doing what you were told.

“That ‘Chip on your shoulder’ will get you nowhere!”   – Watch it, Buster.

“Don’t cry over spilled milk!”   –  What’s past is forgotten.

“Curiosity killed the cat!”   – Don’t be so inquisitive.

“I don’t want to hear your ‘Cock & Bull’ stories!”   –  They’re  unbelievable.

“Get over it!!”   – Put it behind you and get on with life.

I am reasonably sure that you have had a few occasions when you “Lost your Head.”  –  “Had an axe to grind.”  –   or   “Gone out on a limb;”  but you should remember this one:  “Great minds think alike!”  Therefore; you and I have, “A lot in common!”  “Don’t you agree?”

I will have to admit that for the first ten years of my life; I was convinced that the extent of my parents vocabulary was;  “SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!”

Demijon

Perhaps the only good thing that can be said about old age is that we haven’t —       “Bit the Dust, Yet!”      Dj

 

 

Time is Relevant

Shortly after we retired and became residents of Sunset Beach, (‘A barrier Island; located just off the coast of North Carolina’): It was here that my wife presented me with a UNIQUE CLOCK; on the occasion of a birthday. The numbers are randomly scattered around the face and in bold letters appear the words, “WHO CARES.” She had accomplished this by soliciting the services of a friend who just happened to be a sign painter.

The clock still hangs in a prominent place on a wall; ‘But; in my workshop, instead of the house, as a reminder, that time is indeed ‘still,’ not as important as in the years past. The serenity of this tiny part of our world lent itself to a more “laid-back” atmosphere than does the bustling noises and the constant rush of the larger, more populated cities.

Upon retirement, we adopted this attitude of “who cares” as our guidelines to a more relaxed lifestyle. By using the criteria that…

We awaken at dawn –

We eat when we are hungry –

We nap when we become sleepy –

Sundown denotes happy hour –

When darkness falls, we go to bed.

It really couldn’t be any simpler. No more of this scheduled arising to the sound of an alarm, the rushing to shower, dressing, “doing our face, and fighting for a spot in the bumper-to-bumper traffic. We are now “Persons of leisure.”

A generous supply of books were on hand for the sporadic instances when sleep is impossible; due in part to, an overactive nap-time. The pantry was well stocked with snacks “just in case.” The people of “The Young and The Restless” and “General Hospital” became like family to us. Pajamas had become our “formal wear.’

Gone were the days when conflicting schedules required communication to be limited to hurriedly written notes left on the table. We enjoyed casual banter, i.e. “Why didn’t you wake me in time for bridge?” “Harumph.” “Are you going to shave today?” “I’m thinking about it.” And of course, “Open a can of soup for your lunch, I’m going shopping.”

Things have a way of waiting until the right moment before becoming a necessity. Only after several neighbors complain about snakes did we mow the lawn. If we removed the Christmas decorations, we would only have to put them up again next year. Once we trimmed the shrubs and discovered that the house needed paint. Why wash the car; didn’t it rain one day last week?

Suddenly, things got completely out of hand. The alarm clocks are set, leaving times are agreed on, whether or not traffic is at its worse. Short notes appeared on the table to; —

“Remove clothes from the dryer and fold.” Buy bread and eggs.” “Take your nap on the couch and don’t mess up the bed,” “Change from your pajamas in case Mary drops by. ‘AND’ “PUT DOWN THAT BOOK AND “DO” SOMETHING!”

Yes, time is relevant, and the only difference we can now see in our decision to leave the workplace in favor of a more leisurely lifestyle is in the deficit that our limited income has created.

Who cares??? We really don’t; as long as there’s “LARD IN THE LARDER.”

Demijon

Are you aware that, ~ A hangover is caused by “The Wrath of Grapes”. Dj.

The Recipe

INGREDIENTS.

“ONE MALE, & ONE FEMALE.”

Three cups Love.

One cup Understanding.

1/2 cup Passion.

One cup Trust.

One cup Fidelity.

One Home (preferably happy).

Children.

One cup Respect.

One cup Faith.

2 tsp. Confidence.

1/2 tbsp. Principle.

1/8 tsp. Jealousy.

1/2 cup Honor.

One cup Compromise.

Sprinkling of Discord.

To begin; blend together the Two Individuals. Add love and stir in understanding. Mix together the trust and fidelity and pour over the passion. Add to this mixture the faith and respect and fold into the Original Two Ingredients.

In a separate container, mix together the honor, principle, and compromise, blending until smooth. Into this mixture add the jealously and confidence. Stir vigorously; the entire mixture: When everything is well blended, sprinkle with discord; add Children and place in a happy home. Serve warm.

“If directions are followed precisely; yield will be sufficient to last a lifetime.”

Demijon

Gleaned From Cyberspace. Author Unknown.