Susie Mae, she done ‘cided’ta go on this hear diet.  She tolt me that Miz. Mazie, she had went an’ ordered her one uv them diets frum Mr. Sears an’ Mr Roebuck.  She had took an’ went on hit, an’ she done loss forty-fore pounds an’ she ‘lowed as how Susie Mae cud stand ta’ drap near-‘bout that much.

I ups an’ axed Susie Mae iffen she got on that thare diet; whot wuz I gonna git ta eat?  She sez ta me, she sez, “Jay Henry honey, I jus’ don’t ‘spec you’s gonna suffer none as long as Silas has got them pork an’ beans an’ potted meat an’ crackers at th’ store.”

Now me, I didn’t take too kindly ta this hear tawk so I ups an’ sez, “Lissin hear womern, whenst I married up wiff you, you promissed ta fix me three squares a day an’ I’se done got used ta eatin’ high on th’ hog; so I ‘specks you’d better ferget that thare diet an’ stay fat.”

She flew mad as a wet settin’ hen.  She railed out at me an’ sez, “I’ll have you know I ain’t fat!  I’se jus a mite hefty, tha’s all; an’ I’se goin’ on that thare diet come hell’er high water, so thare Mr. smarty pants!”

She grabbed her bonnet an’ taken off to th’ store an bought a hole mess uv fixen’s fer that thare diet.  Atter she had done got back, she axed me ta’ set up th cotton scales so’s she cud way, ‘fore she started an’ cud tell iffen she were losin’ any.

I went out ta th’ barn an’ tied a rope to th’ rafters an’ hung th’ scales on hit.  Whenst hit were ready, Susie Mae, she come out thare an’ tolt me that th’ “little pee,” (balance weights), wud be ’nough ta’ way her.  I tolt her I wuz a’thinkin’ more like hit wud take th’ “big pee, th’ little pee, an’ ‘then some.’  Atter all these years, I ort’ta knowed better’n ta aig her on like that thare.  She got in such a dither, I thot she were gonna swaller her snuff.

Th’ stuff whot she were ‘llowed ta eat wuz stuff lak collard leave sallit,, aigs, raw carrots, an’ I don’t know whot all; an’ she cud’nt dramk nuthin ‘cept grapefruit juce; wiff no ‘lasses in hit.  Th’ thangs whot she missed mos’ wuz corn bread, fat back, ‘taters’ an’ stuff lak that thare.

Atter while, folks commenced ta axe’in me iffin I had me a bad case uv Worms.  I had fell-off ‘til I were jus’ ‘bout skin an’ bones.  I tolt Susie Mae that iffen she didn’t commence a’cookin’ me some decent vittles, I were gonna parrish ta’ death ‘er else I were gonna have ta buy me some new overalls.  Now let me tell you, that thare done th’ trick.

B’then she hyeard that I were ‘cn’sidderin’ spendin’ money on new overalls, she commence a’weannin’ herself offin that thare diet.  Iffen theys anythang whot Susie Mae ‘spises, hits anybodie ELSE, a’spendin’ money.  She had ‘bout ‘cided she had ruther be hefty, than have ta ‘splain ta’ folks that I ain’t Wormy;  I’se jus’ hongry.

Jay Henry

That thare Susie Mae; she be’s a pistol, when’st she gits her-seff   ‘outen-sorts’    Dj.

When I was but a youngster, folks were concerned about “messin’ ’round” with nature.  If there was a possibility that threatening weather was approaching, the children as well as the adults were required to wash their feet and lie down on the bed until the storm passed.

I’m not sure why lying in bed would help. If the storm was severe enough to wreak havoc, I personally don’t believe that a bed offered significant protection but as with all children of my time, I obeyed.  I cannot remember being frightened during a thunderstorm but I still wonder if washing my feet was the answer to survival.

Children as well as many adults conserved shoe leather by going barefoot during the warm summer months.  Perhaps the cleansing of the feet was more to prevent ‘messin’ up’ the bed than having anything to do with protection from the elements.  In this day, washing the bed linens required more effort than to merely toss them into a machine.

If, by chance the storm was looming while work in the fields was being performed, careful scrutiny of the direction from where the clouds were approaching and the remarks were made that, “Keep on working.  It’ll blow over.”  Or, “Let’s get to the house.  That’s the direction all our rain comes from.”

If the season had been dry and the crops had not yet matured, the rain was welcomed; but if rainstorms prevented the gathering of the harvest the results were sometimes critical.

Drought during the growing months and storms during the harvest time could possibly mean the difference between feast and famine.  If the crops failed, there was a strong possibility that the family would be required to suppress their pride and rely on government dispensed “Commodities” for their subsistence.

There were, however, never-ending chores, which could be completed on rainy days that were neglected during the frenzied periods of raising and gathering the substance of life for the average family living on a small farm.

Examples are;  Mending harnesses, repairing or sharpening implements, shucking and shelling corn, carrying corn to “The Mill,” (in a wagon; if an automobile was not available); and other farm duties that could be performed without exposure to the inclement weather.

It was seldom that children were asked to perform these maintenance chores due to lack of knowledge in the area of ‘making do,’ with whatever supplies were obtainable, therefore, children welcomed rainy days simply because they were then left to their own designs for entertainment.

If television, computers, video games, cellular telephones and the like had even been available for purchase during this period, they would have been acclaimed as; “Throwing away good money on something that’ll never work.”

One favorite pastime for children during this era was building roads in the soft sand under the open, elevated floor of the house. Underpinning a house was considered a waste of materials.  (this was something only ‘Town Folks’ did).

Empty cans were converted to automobiles that traversed the hundreds of miles of these roads.  These were activities that could be perused if the weather was not too severe.

At times, the gentler sex would accompany the boys in this amusement by using stones and sticks to outline their ‘playhouses’ alongside the sandy roads. Loud shouts could be heard over the sounds of rain pounding on the tin roof if an occasional can rolled into the living room or kitchen, of these make-believe homes.  This was sure to bring about admonishment from the parents in the form of; “Y’all hush that hullaballu. Ya’hear?”

Although the children were indulging in their homemade entertainment and were not underfoot, only so much of the shrieks were tolerated by the parents before the cry would be raised, “You youngun’s wash your feet and lay down on the bed.  They’s a’coming up a cloud.”

Demijon

Farmers of the day could predict the weather almost as well as today’s Meteorologist’s; by simply observing the surrounding atmosphere.  Dj.

Believe it or not, I have actually been asked; (after reading some of the junk that I write), if there was a hint of truth in my written work.  My question in response is always, “Whadaya mean?  Do you think that anybody in their right mind would mess with crap like this?”

Honestly, there have been people who took literally, some parts of my musings, and perhaps have even become insulted.  This is not the intention of my writings.  My purpose is to inject a bit of humor into what would normally be a dull, uneventful subject.  Judging from some of the response I have received, I have failed miserably on more than one occasion.

Please allow me to say here, that I have one “iron-clad,” rule.  “I do NOT poke fun at anyone that I do NOT like!”  However, in attempting to do this, I do strive to keep most of my stuff in good taste.

Regardless of how serious we try to be, there are events in all of our lives which can appear funny when twisted a bit or added to, in some manner.  These events are the ones which we “jump on; like a dog with a bone.”  Someone once said, “Someday, we’ll look back on this and laugh,”  Why wait?  Let’s laugh about it today.

Another necessity for one who attempts tongue-in-cheek writing, is the willingness to laugh at oneself.  It is essential to assure the readers that you, the author will accept criticism with a positive attitude.  You must prove that you can ‘take it’ as well as ‘dish it out.’  Fail in this aspect and your work will surely bomb out.

I do not believe that God meant for us to never enjoy any portion of our lives, or to forever remain pious and somber throughout our brief existence.  Certainly, there are times when humor and tongue-in-cheek banter are inappropriate and should be avoided, but there are also times when breaking the ice with a humorous remark can relieve tension and create a more relaxed atmosphere.

Science has proven that it requires less effort to smile than to frown.  Given this proof, should we not, at least in this case, adopt the attitude that less is better?  None of us are perfect and each have instances which could possibly be interpreted as funny.  By building on these foundations, we will be better equipped to cope with a serious side of our lives.

Try it:  What have you got to lose, except tell-tale wrinkles which come from constant frowning?  Think of the money you could save by not purchasing all of those Creams and Lotions, that we hope will hide our many ‘imperfections.’

Demijon

See, what I mean?  “You now look younger than when you began reading this post:  Right?”             Dj.

Recently I had occasion to once again; sample the quality of service at one of the many fast-food Restaurants that dot the major thoroughfares of our great land.  I sought only a simple breakfast comprised of a sausage biscuit and coffee.  I rationalized that it would only be a matter of minutes until I would be on my way with appeased appetite.

Needless to say, I was somewhat distressed when I entered to find fourteen customers waiting in line and only one service person on duty.  I was not in a particular hurry so I elected to take my place in line and still enjoy a leisurely breakfast.

After a wait of around sixteen minutes, I was astonished to discover the line had moved very little as the distraught clerk tried without success to fill the orders for the now increasingly hostile patrons in line as well as the drive-up clientele..

Some twenty minutes later, I followed the lead of two other customers, and departed the premises for another location with, hopefully; adequate personnel, to minimize the waiting time.  Arriving at the other location, I noticed that the same two customers, who had preceded me in leaving the former location had chosen to try this one also.

Imagine our surprise when we entered and found only one person at the service counter.  Here, however, the line was shorter, by six waiting customers.  My decision to wait until I could be served was prompted by hunger pangs; so I patiently lingered while trying, without much success, to quiet my growling stomach.  Finally, I was served and I sat down; determined to enjoy my breakfast without becoming upset.

My animosity was short-lived, however, when I observed a familiar sign posted on the door.  I had seen a similar sign on the door at the first location.  It stated that this Chain of Restaurants, were actively seeking applicants for the position of MANAGERS!

The advertisement brochure mentioned nothing about the need for more service personnel.  When I finished my breakfast and left, the harried counter clerk was desperately trying to cope with yet another onslaught of customers.

My feeble mind cannot comprehend how more Managers, will solve the problem when the greatest need seems to be a shortage of counter clerks.  Perhaps with the correct training, a Manager can limit the number of customers, to coincide with the number of employees, on duty at any given time.

At any rate; until Corporate Headquarters arrives at a better solution; my suggestion would be to change the designation of the Restaurants; that have been previously known as “FAST FOOD;” to something like “WHENEVER FOOD!”  

At least, until such time as they all are sufficiently staffed.

Demijon

NOTE!  This suggestion is simply proof that;  Quick service can soothe “The Savage Beast!”   “Dj.”                                                                  Post-script:  This post was originally written a couple of years ago!  Imagine my surprise when; “today,” I sought to breakfast at one of the FAST-FOOD Restaurants; and found a letter taped to the front door from, Corporate Headquarters; announcing the search to; “HIRE NEW MANAGERS!!!”  Talk about co-incidental.  Who would have thought?       Dj.

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” – This is as factual today as it was when I was but a toddler with, perhaps, a few exceptions.  Considering inflation, the cost of the ounce is almost equal to the cost of the cure.  Example; We make a payment on the Porsche when we fill the prescription and two payments on the Mercedes anytime we visit the doctor.

“Where there is a will – there is a way.” – This is easier said than done for those of us who are on the far side of the half century mark.  The mind is still willing but without the cooperation of a somewhat frail body, many things are left unaccomplished.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” – Absolutely, if the absent ones are children or grandchildren but what about the obnoxious brother-in-law who just happens to be a member in good standing of the Hell’s Angel’s motorcycle gang.

“When the cat’s away, the mice will play.” – I see no good reason to explain this to anyone who has reached the half century mark.  Age will definitely take care of this situation.  Mice of the opposite sex will not necessarily be attracted to white, thinning hair; loose, wrinkled skin and a pallor  that defies makeup.

“All is fair in love and war.” – Possibly true in the event of war, but try to justify a forgotten birthday / anniversary to your roommate.

“When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” – There have been times when throwing a few people to the lions would have been tempting.  Fortunately, clear heads prevailed.

“A watched pot never boils.” – Seemingly true if the contents of the pot is nothing more than clear water but a pot of spaghetti sauce will cover the top of a stove in a skinny minute.

“Penny – wise and pound – foolish.” - Should be eliminated from any vocabulary since, in this age and time, it is foolishness to associate anything weighing a pound with a penny

“A rolling stone gathers no moss.” – A person who rolls rocks around in an attempt to prove this theory will soon be labeled a nut case.

“A friend in need is a friend indeed.” – Beware; He may also be a friend who will take advantage of your good nature by borrowing items that he never intends to return.

These old sayings are interpreted by some as certainty and by others as so much hogwash.  They are shared here strictly for the benefit of those who are lacking in historical proficiency and are not intended as scientific relevance.

There was a time when “old sayings” could be likened unto Gospel by many in America’s rural heartland.  Various translations were applied to correspond with their particular needs.  They served a purpose in a time when scientific knowledge was in its infancy.

Demijon

Now; It’s time for you to pass all this profundity on to all the young “whipper-snappers” that you know.  Perhaps, we can make a difference in the quality of the “SAYINGS” that we bequeath to our offspring.    Dj.

A woman was having an extramarital affair, and before each encounter; would lock her young son in the closet when her lover was present.

On one such occasion she heard a car in the driveway.  “Quick; get in the closet,” she quickly told her swain.

The lover had just hunkered down in the confining space when he heard a small voice saying; “It sure is dark in here, isn’t it?”  “Buy my baseball for twenty-five dollars, and I won’t tell daddy you were here.”  The man felt he had no choice; and paid the little blackmailer.

Several weeks later, the woman was similarly engaged when she again heard the crunch of car tires in the driveway.  She repeated her former demand, and dispatched her lover into the closet.  This time,  the small voice asked, “It sure is dark in here.”  “Want to buy a baseball glove for fifty dollars?”  In no position to argue, the lover agreed and paid the swindler.

The next day, the boy’s daddy said;

“Son, get your ball and glove and we’ll play a little catch.”

“Can’t;”  replied the son.  “I sold them.”

“How much did you get for them?  Perhaps five dollars?” asked his father.

“No; Seventy five dollars,” the boy said.

“Son, that’s robbery.  I’ve got to teach you a lesson.  I’m going to carry you to the church where you must confess and receive atonement for your wrongdoing.”

Arriving at the church, the young boy walked into the confessional and pulled the curtain.  His first words were, “Boy’s howdy; it sure is dark in here.”

When the priest heard these words, he immediately replied, “BOY; DON’T YOU START THAT CRAP WITH ME AGAIN!”

********************************

On a Sunday morning, mother knocks on her son’s bedroom door and tells him it’s time to get up and go to church.

“I’m not going to church this morning,” the son says.

“You gotta get up and go to church”, says mother.

“No:”  replied the son;  “I’m not going!”

“Yes you are”,  says the mother.

“No, I’m not:”  “They don’t like me and I don’t like them.” says the son.  “Give me two good reasons why I have to go.”

“Number one: you’re 56 years old; and number two; you’re the pastor!”

*****************************

An eighty year old man was telling his doctor that he had fallen in love and was planning to be married.  “That’s wonderful.” replied the doctor, “How old is the bride?”

“She is nineteen and beautiful:  A marvelous cook, and a loving housekeeper; the man said.  I’m so fortunate.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to marry a girl that young,” replied the doctor, “The difference in your ages could possibly be fatal.”

With a grin, the old man replied;  “Oh well; If she dies, she dies!”

Demijon

“Hope you enjoy:  Life can be quite dull, if it is entirely without a bit of mirth.”         Dj.

I realized, just this morning, that I have reached a milestone.  As of this past January, I have been retired for over 22 years!

I threw a rock at doing ‘public work’ on January 11, 1991.  Since then; quite a bit of water has passed under the bridge, and most of it has been clear and sparkling.

With the exception of a couple of stints in a Hospital; and with the last several years of being somewhat wobbly; I have been able to do almost anything I wished.  My plans now are to make the most of the next 22, without major set-backs.

During the last few years, I have discovered that doing things a bit slower is not a handicap.  It just merely takes longer to accomplish the same results.  It’s true that TIME, for a Retiree is apropos.

In my 82 years, I have learned more, (and forgotten most of it); done more, (than I thought I wanted to); rested more, (between tasks); planned more, (many of which were waylaid); and napped more, (a continuing saga).  However; in reality the past 22 years have been fulfilling and gratifying without the drudgery of a ridged schedule; and having to report to a Boss; (with the exception of my lovely roommate).  

I could almost see the wheels turning in your mind; when you read the title of this post. You were thinking; “At last!  I am going to find out just what makes ‘the old fellow tick.”

If you had been kind enough to ask me; I would have told you that; It ‘ain’t the NUMBER of years’, that has caused this much deterioration:  It’s the fact that my ADORING FANS, simply “Won’t leave me alone!”            Dj.

There you have it:  The story of my miserable life.

Demijon

“I have yet to decide which regulations are the strictest: ‘At Work or at Home.’  At least;  after retirement; a fellow does have the advantage of, “Sleeping with the Boss!”  (whatever that means).       Dj      

I have decided that I wasted my most productive years by working,  to earn my daily bread.  And here I am; trying to survive on the piddling amount of pension that the company grudgingly gave me.

This realization came after observing several months of live accounts from ‘wannabee’ candidates for the office of President of our Country.

The best that I can figure is, all that is necessary to compete; is just to throw your hat into the ring and the money comes pouring in.  You solicit your best Buddy to manage your campaign and he immediately buys, or rents, a Bus or an Airplane for you to travel back and forth, across the country, to tell folks what you will do if they give you enough money to be elected.

In fact, you don’t have to make a lot of promises.  It is much easier to point out the mistakes of your opponent and / or the opposing party.  This pretty much guarantees the  influx of money for your campaign to continue.  Your manager is careful to schedule your first appearances and speeches in the states that you lead in your last attempt to win the nomination for the same, (or another), office.

It is here that you can convince them that things would have been different if the rest of the country had only followed suit by electing you, instead of the incumbent.  And the money continues to roll in.

With time running out; the latest political polls come into play, with your name among the bottom few.  It is now that you realize that your chances for the nomination are little or none; but you continue to solicit votes and money although it is not as easy as before.

Finally, your manager advises that the cause is hopeless and it would be in your best interest to withdraw from the race.  This decision is carefully planned to induce the frontrunners of the party to consider you as a ‘running mate’; therefore, you pledge your support to the one you consider has a better chance of winning,

Your thinking is; that a half a loaf of bread is better than no bread at all.  A plus at this juncture is that; if you are selected as a contender for VICE / (Whatever); a Bus and/or Plane, will be available to you as well, for the duration of the campaign.

If you are successful in your bid for the position of the “number 2,” spot, for the Countries leader; the job will be less arduous.

All that you will have to do is to wake up every morning and ask; “HOW IS THE PRESIDENT?”  If reported that he is fine; you may either go back to sleep or call for a Tee-Time at the Club.

Come to think about it;  perhaps, I WILL get serious and amend the slate at a later date.

What’s wrong with…. “DEMIJON  -  2016 ?”

Your Future Leader.

Remember: A vote for me, is a ‘vote for me.’   “Any more questions?”      Dj.

They greet me every morning.  On the breakfast table are a series of notes, (at times, written on the back of one of the many envelopes that had contained the ‘past-due’ notices). They were there to inform me of what I am to accomplish today.

It does nor matter that today is the day that I planned to spend in the hardware department at the Wal-Mart.  It was important that these chores are to be completed well before the time for the “Card-Shark Bridge Club” to end.  EXAMPLES”

“Put birdseed into feeders; – Do not overfill the one near the fence.  Carry out trash; remember bathroom trash cans.”

“Remove clothes from dryer and fold; put blouses on hangers, but not with my slacks.  Towels go in linen cabinet in hallway.”  “Press your ‘Sunday shirt,’ before hanging in your closet.”  Fold Bear’s blanket and place on the bed,  That’s where he will look for it.

“Vacuum and dust; don’t forget the ceiling fans.  Be careful of the nick-knacks on the buffet; most of them are fragile.”

“Brew tea.  Do NOT use more than 6 tea bags.  You know that you always make it too strong.  Don’t mess up this time.”

“Call Ethel at the Beauty Shop, for my appointment for a wash and rinse.  Ask her if the half-price sale is still on.  Don’t forget.”

“At Grocery, get:  Two cans of beans, (the ones with yellow labels); One pkg. Cream Cheese, (not the kind you got last time).  One dozen eggs. (open carton and examine).  One loaf of bread, (get one that is tasty and fresh).  Two pounds Hamburger, (be sure to get low fat; you didn’t last time).  Something to nibble on, (not that junk you like).  Latest copy of The National Enquirer. REMEMBER:  NO PLAYBOY’S!!!”

Lists have been a way of life in our home for many years. Since there have been very few times when I have been left without a “Keeper;” some of them get kind of personal;  i.e. 

“Shave.  Don’t wear striped shirt with checked pants.  Stay close to phone in case Mary calls.  Get haircut.  Call me if we get any interesting mail.  Get your suit pressed; we’re going to Al’s Fish Camp tonight, with Bill and Ann: you’ll want to look decent.”

I have grown so accustomed to lists, that I am at a loss, as to what to do without them.  For instance: Once when my roommate was out of town, overnight;  I did not get out of bed because I could not remember which shirt went with which pants.

Only one note was on the table this time; so I assumed this one was very important.  It read;  “Walk ‘Bear’ at least three times each day.  Give him three treats each time he Pookie’s and scratch his chest each time.”

On the morning after her return; the first of many notes appeared on the table, held in place by the sugar dish.  It read; “You didn’t read the list that I left in the Den!”

Another time; when she left me without a “sitter,”  I was so terribly confused, since there were no notes telling me what to do; that I spent over six hours watching the Weather Channel.  Then, I took a nap in the back seat of my car, for fear of messing up the bed.

In desperation; I finally called Dr. Phil.  He referred me to four different “Specialists,” who, (as a group), forwarded me their brochure, describing their firm, and along with an application for admittance into their ten-week training course called, “THERE; THERE; – in seven languages, Inc.”  
  Demijon

“Think I’m a basket case??  You’re RIGHT!”
I’m just sitting here and waiting now for a note that will give me the directions to The Den.     Dj.

Lately, I have become somewhat “gun-shy,” when a particular ailment requires a consultation with a doctor.  There have been times when I sought a second doctor’s opinion before consenting to treatment that would perhaps, require surgery.

It is not that I doubted the first doctor’s diagnosis; but I still wanted to be assured that surgery was the ONLY option for the treatment of that particular disorder.

Although the different methods of treatments from different sources, were basically the same; there have been times when I assumed that a simple solution, (could be possible), for the same malady.   These rare incidents were the reasons that I considered a second opinion necessary.

For a couple of years in the past, I had experienced pain in my right leg.  When it had gotten so severe; I finally consulted several members of the medical profession before agreeing to any one option.

In my search of treatment for this leg pain; my problems were diagnosed as “old age,” ”a stroke,” “my imagination,” “arthritis,” “muscle deterioration,” “lower back alignment” and  “family history.”.

Referrals were then made to (not one);  but “FIVE” specialists.  Each of these examined me, made X-Rays, ordered “M.R.I.’s, of my body and the final conclusion was that my right hip was the “Booger.”  Apparently, every specialist wanted a picture of my body ‘at a different angle.’  hence all of the “photos.”

The first five specialists, attempted to remedy my problem by ordering numerous periods of “physical therapy,” “Epidurals” in my back, and “Injections” in my right hip.  All of which did no good.

When it was obvious that these attempts did not solve the problem, I was referred to another “specialist,” who repeated the examinations and made more “X-Rays,” “M.R.I.’s” and then referred me to yet another “specialist.”.

It was here that I was asked for my X-Rays.  I explained that no one had given me any X-Rays; nor had anyone told me that I should keep copies and “guard them with my life.”

Their attempts to locate the films from the other doctors were futile, so I agreed to return to each of the doctor’s office’s and bring the films back.  I was not pressed for time; “I just HURT!”

It is now that the cheese gets more binding.  The last of the doctor’s offices that had made X-Rays, informed me that they were not aware that the “specialists” would need them.

I believe that here was when I really made some friends, and influenced the office personnel, when I replied; “Of course, they don’t need them.  They are only requesting them to P*SS me off.”

My question is; if this diagnosis was suspected at the first consultation; why were all the other “specialists” involved?  And;  why did each one want their own personal copy of the (X-Ray’s),  Did they all really need the money this bad?

Finally; the target date for surgery was originally set for September 1; but was changed to October 5th.  Perhaps, this change was made because another “four specialists“ were not available, (to be called if needed).

Demijon

Believe me; I was once a youthful, happy, contented, individual until I encountered all of those specialists, who, (as a body), recommended that I consult “Another Specialist.”  Is it any wonder that I now appear as someone who has been “Rode hard and put-up, WET!”      Dj.