SMACK-DAB

I have not heard this term used in well over 50 years, although it was commonly used in olden days. The best definition I can come up with is that it is something ‘centered’ or ‘in between.’ When I was growing up, it was not unusual to hear someone say, “There I was; smack dab in the middle of a dog fight.”

The sign that I am describing was at the entrance of a huge Housing Neighborhood. I am reasonably certain that the developer of these signs used the term to indicate that the project was Half-Way way between two towns; or two other housing projects. And, It is a sure fact that the developer is at least, as old as I am. Anyone who describes a location with the use of this term, not only creates interest, but also brands himself as eligible for a senior citizen discount at McDonald’s.

Scoff if you must; but the interest created by these descriptive signs is evident by the number of people slowing to read the smaller print. A sheet of plywood and a little paint is doing more than expensive ads displayed on television.  It’s telling prospective buyers to purchase a home here; and; (“You’ll be…..

“SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE” of), “WHAT THIS COUNTRY IS ALL ABOUT!”   For Instance:  Do you know?; – That “WALKIE – TALKIE” – refers to more than one person?  Imagine, if you will, TWO WOMEN, strolling through the mall; or pretending to shop in a grocery store; and even a “COUPLE OF MEN” – seated on up-turned nail kegs; under the shelter at “The Filling Station.”  i.e.   “We were stuck ‘SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE’ of Race Traffic; and missed Church;  We’re sorry, Pastor.”

The Developer is using the sigh to call attention to, ‘what he hopes will be a a successful project’.  At least he can get signatures on contracts before the work-crews merge on the neighborhood with “BLAZING SAWS & HAMMERS.”

This is when The true meaning of the ‘Sheet of Plywood’ and a ‘little bit of paint;‘ propped up by the side of a newly-made entrance to another new neighborhood;  It is informing anyone interested in owning a new home here will indeed be;   “SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE”  between  “LOWES” & “WAL-MART”.

Demijonj.

BALL vs BALL

I was sixteen years old before I realized that Cinderella did not dress up in the latest fashions and saunter out to the park and play shortstop.  How was I to know that she was planning to go to a dance?  There was no mention of Fiddles or Banjos in the story.  Ball to me, meant that Hank Aaron had knocked one over the fence.

There were, of course, other things which I failed to understand.  She was allowed to attend a social function while wearing an evening gown.  Would a rich, handsome Prince look twice at a girl sporting a flannel, sack-like frock that everyone knew to be sleepwear?

Things such as this have bothered me over the years.  It’s true that I led a sheltered life as a child.  Perhaps this is why I cannot accept some of the customs that today are condoned by the majority.  I even turn my head when I walk through the ladies’ lingerie in a department store.

Something that really freaks me out is to search for a box of Ex-Lax in a modern drug store, and suddenly here is an entire rack devoted to the different brands of Condoms.  In another era, one would have to prove that he was above the age of consent and then wait until the clerk went into the back room where these items were hidden from view.

Granted, times change, but I am not sure that the changes are for the better.  When anyone can rent a videocassette and spend hours watching all kinds of blood and guts mayhem along with several rolls in the hay, it seems to me that we are inviting a certain amount of mimicry.

Even when there is a tragic crime committed, the news media goes to great lengths to describe the precise methods used by the perpetrators.  They publish this under the guise that the public has a right to know.  Is this not extending an open invitation to some maniac to emulate the actions with yet another victim?

I certainly do not advocate censorship of the media, but I firmly believe that they should use a little discretion when reporting on crimes that could lead to more violence by way of copycat techniques.  We appreciate being kept informed, but we do not need the details of how the crime was planned and carried out.  Please, don’t give someone an idea that this is a glorious act and should be performed again.

Regardless of how tough we get, there will be a certain amount of crime committed.  However, by using prudence in reporting we could curb the idea that this is a vehicle for another lunatic to ride to national attention.

Was this breaking news; that the footwear the Princess wore; described as the latest glass design, printed in “Her Majesty’s” Social Column?”  If this were true; there should be other young ladies seeking medical help at the same time.

Yes, things change, yet many remain the same.  If the printed media of Cinderellas day; still printed the same gory details?  Personally; I have doubts that Cinderella wore slippers of glass.  If so, what really happened when that clumsy oaf of a Prince stepped on her toes?  Would the media of that day have reported that…

“CINDERELLA’S FEET REDUCED TO HAMBURGER.”

 “MAIDEN’S BLOOD SOAKS BALLROOM FLOOR.”

“PRINCE CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY, CITING TIES WITH MOB.”

Bikini Evening Gowns 1/2 off at  “GOWNS  R  US.”   Today, only.

Demijon

 

SUSIE MAE “All Riled UP!”

T’other day whilst I wus workin down at the pulp yard, a feller come a’traipsin up ta th shack an tolt Susie Mae that he wonted ta sell her some onsurance. Now she ain’t bout ta buy nothin ‘thout my ‘proval ceptin th’ thangs she has got ta have like face powders and hair rollers. Fac’s is, she won’t order her no teddy’s outten th’ catalog ‘thout my ‘proval, so she jus tolt him that he’d have ta come back Sadday whenst I wus home.

Wellsr, that thare peddler wus ‘termined and wont bout to come back, so’s he commenced ta’ sweet-talkin Susie Mae an tellin her how perty she wus an she ralie needed some more onsurance. A sick-benefit polcy wus down pat fer her, he seys an she could pay fer hit outten her aig money. That didn’t set well at all wif her cause bout th only thang Susie Mae will spen her aig money on is TRUE CONFESSIONS.

That thare feller jus kep on talkin, an all uv a sudden Susie Mae commenced gitten mad. She sez ta him, “I done tolt you all I’se a’goin; to that I don’t wont no more onsurance:” AAn’ ‘sides Jay Henry’s got th money zipped up in his overalls pocket an I ain’t sol no aigs in bout a week.”

She finly got th pitch fork an run that feller off, an when I come home she wus fit ta be tied. I think whot got her goat mor’n anythin else wus when that feller tolt her how perty she wus. She don’t wont nobody tellin her that ‘ceptin me. I thinks to myself, self, she’s ‘studyin’ ’bout that thare feller were tryin to “GO wiff her.”

I finly got her simmered down an we et supper an went ta bed. Th nex day bein Sadday, I took her down ta th store ta look an show off her new frock what she’d made outten chicken feed sacks. I wus a’settin an playin checkers wif Silas an I hyeard a ruckus a’goin on in front uv th store.

Silas an me, we went out thare ta see whot wus goin on, an thare plain as day wus that onsurance peddler still tryin ta sell Susie Mae that sick benefit polcy. I cud tell that she wus mad as far cause her eyes had done glazed over an her fistes wus balled up.

She sez ta me, “Jay Henry, honey, is yo got yo gatlin gun wif yo?” “If yo has, I wush yo’d take an put a ball twixt this fellers eyes.” I figured that hit wus gonna take sompin like that ta make him leave her lone, so I run my han in the pocket uv my overalls an sez rale loud; I sez, “Susie Mae, you reccon we’uns can spare two bullets?”

That feller turnt a mite pale whenst he hyeard that an took off ta’ runnin. Silas liked ta’ have laffed hisself ta death, and him an me went back ta our checker game. Susie Mae pranced up an down in front uv th store th rest uv th day a’tellin everybody how we’d got rid uv that thare onsurance man.

She purely don’t like ta be took ‘vantage uv. Unbeknownst to that thare onsurance man, she be’s mean as a snake when’st she gits all “riled- up.”

Jay Henry

Posted in Uncategorized

“HOW I DID IT.” ???

I have been asked many times how I gained my superior intelligence, my fantastic demeanor, my good looks, pleasing personality and incomparable ability. My friends, all of this is due to hard work and perseverance.

There was a time when I was just like you; a dull, argumentative, plain, ignorant individual whose total skills amounted to nothing more than the mastery of sopping molasses with a portion of biscuit; A pitiful character indeed.

It was here that I vowed to remedy this predicament and began what has been described as the greatest innovation in the history of mankind with regard to total rejuvenation of the senses as well as the dexterity of the forces that drive the human body. Eventually, this became known as “HANDYMANISM.” Simply put, this is the art of evaluating a problem and reaching a solution without the benefit of instruction manuals and/or supervision; “Trial and Error”, so to speak.

It was certainly not an easy road that I followed. Rather, there were times when the stumbling blocks completely blocked the end of the tunnel but with persistence, enough were removed to wriggle free. Quite a lot was learned from these experiences.

For instance; I was once dispatched to replace a mini-blind in one window of a rental house. The house itself sat on pilings of around eight to ten feet above ground level. Struggling up the stairs was somewhat of a chore for my; (at that time), 65 year-old body), but I eventually succeeded in entering the house.

Upon completion of the repairs, I decided to exit the house from another door. Little did I realize that there were no steps leading to the ground from this exit until I was suddenly plummeted into thin air and landed with a thud on the hard packed sand at the base of the house.

Fortunately no major damage was done to my perfect body with the exception of several bruises and scrapes, however, my clothing did not fare so well. The accumulation of dirt, numerous rips and tears manifested that I had indeed experienced some mishap.

When I returned to the office, I rendered a lengthy explanation of leaving the house from a different door than the one I entered. The response to my tirade from the office manager brought the usual question, that of; “WHY in hell did you exit the house from that particular door?”

My answer was simple and to the point; “I do not remember the house being that far off the ground the last time I used that door; OR the time before that!

The several morals to be gleaned from this anecdote are; “When in Rome, go out the same way you came in;” /  “Watch for falling Handymen;” /  or  “Some of us have it and the rest are trying to get it.”

Demijon

Posted in Uncategorized

Something Missing

There appears to be something wrong in a society where one has to request permission from an Insurance Company BEFORE they can have an accident.

This was brought to my attention several years ago after discussing a dent in our car that had happened in a parking lot.  It seemed not to matter to the company that the dent was minor. It was still a dent as far as they were concerned.

I have been driving an automobile for over 70 years and can count the accidents that I have had (all minor) on the fingers of one hand.  Most were not serious enough for the repairs to exceed the deductible amount of my insurance. In all of this time,  I have paid enough in premiums to purchase several automobiles with all of the trimmings.

The dent that I referred to earlier amounted to a total of less than the annual payment for the premium, and after we paid the deductible was less than one half this amount.  Upon discussing this with our agent, we discovered that this minor claim would not affect our premiums; however, we would ‘NOT be allowed to file another claim within a three-year period without a penalty’.

Herein lies the rub. I simply do not understand how an Insurance Company can dictate to a policyholder when and where an accident can happen. Insurance is defined as “A system of protection against loss in which a number of individuals agree to pay certain sums periodically for a guarantee that they will be compensated for loss, (under stipulated conditions).

Apparently, the “stipulated conditions” are that they have the option of accepting or rejecting a claim if and when it suits them and at the same time it gives them the right to impose a ‘penalty at any time they choose’.  In my humble opinion, this is totally unfair.

Let us suppose that your car is minding it’s own business in the parking lot of a supermarket and another vehicle bumps it and continues on its way.  Your Insurance Company pays a small portion of the cost of repairs. Okay?

Three months later, the same thing happens.  NOW, you are given points against your driver’s license AND your insurance premiums are increased if you report this incident to the Company.

Is this law.?  Or is it only a ruse by the companies to avoid paying claims and/or to increase premiums?  If this is indeed law, then our elected lawmakers should take a long, hard look into the Insurance Industry, in order to determine what “stipulated conditions” really covers.

I do not believe that anyone in his or her right mind would deliberately have an accident.  The mere fact that “STUFF HAPPENS” is the reason that all of us pay the premiums for the protection in the first place.

Those of us who are not financially affluent do so in order to place in trust with the company accumulative funds for use “IF” an accident happens.  The company in turn invests the money and as a result, they benefit from these premiums.

Why then, are they so adamant about the refusal to pay a claim without imposing a penalty? Isn’t this just a return of a part of our own money that we have allowed them to use?  If they are allowed to keep all these monies and demand even more when an accident occurs, then the only one taking any risk is apparently; THE POLICYHOLDER.

If we are the only ones expected to take this risk, why do we need the companies whose sole business is taking risk?  Please: someone set me straight.  I definitely need help.

It would seem to me that what they are asking for is for everyone to send them a specified amount of money and NEVER, EVER”, bother them until the next premium is due.  We should also be ashamed for asking them for help when an accident occurs.  If we do not know better, then they will quickly refresh our memory with an unspecified amount of Increase in our Premiums.

Incidentally; will it eventually come to this?  –  “Hello, Benevolent Insurance Company? I have a date tonight.  May I please borrow the car?  Also, I am a little short on cash.  Will you loan me $5.00?”

Answer: “Yes, but you cannot use the car OR borrow any money for another year.”

Demijon

So; “THERE!”

I have a solution to all problems in the workplace. It is not something that has recently occurred to me, but rather it is the accumulation of many theories, compiled throughout my many years of working, that when rigidly adhered to, will prevent stress and disenchantment with the earning of daily bread by the sweat of one’s brow. These methods have been tried and proven to be effective in the combat zones that are more commonly known as The Office.

Difficulty in dealing with the obstacles in the workplace usually stem from a request from someone in authority to insist that you perform certain tasks that you had rather not do. Rejection need not be lengthy. A simple refusal will suffice in most cases and will relay the message that you do not intend to be intimidated by mere wages.

Another proven technique is to simply pitch a fit’. Rant and rave for awhile and you will convey notice that you are tired of doing everything while others sit on their duff and enjoy the fruits of YOUR” labor.

“Crying” is by far the best-documented method of getting your way. Everyone knows that the boss is an old softie. A few tears and he will be putty in your hands. This is perhaps the time to ask for a raise in addition to a reduction in duties. While he is in a benevolent mood is also the perfect time to ask for shorter hours and more vacation time. Who knows? You might even get them.

If by chance these methods do not solve the issue, there are more forceful alternatives available to you. Examples of these options are outlined in my new book entitled, LOAF AND THE WORLD LOAFS WITH YOU”.

To obtain your copy, send check or money order for $89.95 plus S&H and free yourself from the burden of depending on a tiny paycheck for your subsistence. After all, It is a known fact that no politician in his / her right mind is going to touch the “Welfare” program; SO,’ why not sign up and get your share?

However; if all else fails, render your position loudly and clearly.  Make your statement emphatic like: “I DON’T HAVE TO WORK HERE!” 

“I CAN STARVE!”   “So;  THERE!!!”

Demijon

Road to FAME.

APPLICATION FOR MEMBERSHIP  “DEEP SOUTH WRITERS’ GUILD.”

Check One.

Do you use a BLUE HORSE tablet?                                                 YES     NO

Is your pencil under two inches long?                                              YES      NO

Sharpened with a knife?                                                                    YES      NO

Have you ever written about ‘coon hunting?                                    YES      NO

Do you know anyone named “Bubba?”                                           YES      NO

Do you drive a pick-up?                                                                    YES      NO

Do you dip Tube Rose snuff?                                                          YES      NO

Can you spell?                                                                                  YES      NO

Read?                                                                                                YES      NO

Is your trailer under 25 feet long?                                                    YES      NO

Are you a member of the N.R.A.?                                                   YES      NO

Have you ever been Nawth of South of the Border, SC?               YES      NO

Did you like it?                                                                                   YES      NO

Do you like boiled Peanuts?                                                             YES       NO

Do you love Willie Nelson?                                                              YES      NO

Does your bumper sticker read “Hell No, I ain’t forgettin’?”       YES      NO

Have you seen Rock City?                                                               YES      NO

Can you sop ‘lasses’?                                                                      YES      NO                 

Do you cash your checks at 7/11?                                                   YES      NO

Do you eat anything that ain’t fried?                                                  YES      NO

Do you own a black cap with a yellow CAT DIESEL patch?           YES      NO

Do you have a set of bed springs leaning against your porch?      YES      NO

Can you back an 18 wheeler?                                                           YES     NO

Have you been to Opryland? – Graceland? – Dollywood?              YES      NO

Do you have geraniums planted in a whitewashed tire?                  YES      NO

You may answer NO to no more than four of the above questions in order to become a member in good standing.  Annual dues are $3.95 payable in advance!

DemijonDemijon

Only SERIOUS STUDENTS need apply.    Dj.

“SOME RAISING”

We have all heard the old idem; “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”  This was not the advice that children were taught in the rural South when I was young.  We were cautioned to conduct ourselves in accordance with the accepted behavior of children, i.e., Yes-ma’am, No-ma’am, Thank you, sir.  In addition, anyone beyond the age of twenty was addressed as Mr. or Miz.

Being taught right from wrong at home, we were expected to exercise these teaching’s if we were away from the nest and in the presence of others.  If the occasion arose for us to be anywhere without parental supervision, it was drilled into us before leaving to “Act like you’ve had some Raising.”

Manners were as important as our actions.  If one of us was invited to share a meal with another family, we were instructed to “mind your manners; ya’hear.” Things were more or less relaxed when we were at home, just so long as we “knew better.”

School teachers were held in high esteem and always addressed as, Miz. Jones,  Miz. Smith, or  Mr. Brown.  The principal of the school was up there right next to God as far as we were concerned.  If we did anything to receive a spanking at school, it was a known fact that we would get another when we got home.

At the top of the pecking order were ministers.  It was demanded of us to show the proper respect to members of the clergy.  NEVER were we allowed to call a Minister by his first name.  It was always, Reverend Smith, Reverend, Pastor, or simply Preacher. This respect was not hard to instill in our young minds because we feared the fire and brimstone that would surely come if we were not on our best behavior in his presence.

Thinking back, I do not recall anyone who was permanently damaged by these teachings; and I firmly believe that if some of these requirements were made of youth today, there would be less violence in our world.

It’s really so simple.  “Just act like you’ve had some Raising!”  Now, that’s not so hard, is it…?

Demijon

Correction; Please

 Webster’s Dictionary contains thousands of words which old Noah himself was not completely sure of the correct definition.  This article is intended to dispel any inaccuracy, therefore, preventing your “skinning your ignorance” when the occasion arises where you have a need to impress someone.

APPEND; Webster defines this word as, to attach or affix.  Now, everybody knows that this is totally incorrect.   It is the rear-most part of a rather big and extremely Ugly, member of the Monkey Family, (sometimes called an APE).  You know; The part that he sits on’.

BROADAXE:  A weapon; or a tool used to hew timber?  Wrong again.  This is a question, covering a wide variety of subjects and is usually axed by a “good ole boy.”

CALCIUM:   Silver-white chemical, found in limestone; right?  No!   CAL  is the fellow who observed Corry Mae Poovey and Wardlaw Jarvis making love on the fodder, stored in the Barn loft.

DEFEAT:  Certainly not, to win victory over; or to overcome.  Simply put;  Dis is th’ part of de body dat de shoes go on.

ETHER:   Commonly designated as a sleep producing agent:  But those of us with superior intelligence are aware that; “ETHER, you pay me that dollar or I’ll whup you.”

FUTILE:  Useless, vain, and hopeless.  UGH-UGH.  Correct usage;  “FUTILE your kitchen and not the hall;  ‘You’ll have a mess in wet weather.”

GENTILE:  Mr. Webster says; any person, not a Jew.  Right interpretation; “Flooring removed from the Cotton Gin; and used in the kitchen or hall.”

HANDBILL:  In the book, it states ;small print ed notice, advertisement.  Precisely put;  “HAND-BILL” that hammer, so he can nail those shingles down.”

INDICATE:  To direct attention to?  WRONG!  The right way;  “Billy Joe broke his hand when he got it caught ‘INDICATE”

JUNCTURE:   a point or line of joining; Another Boo-Boo.  “Bobby Frank toll me that you juncture car atter you wrecked hit.”

KICKAPOO:   Noah says, a tribe of Indians; I say, “If you sass me jus’ one more time, I’ll haul off an’ KICK A POO outten you.”

LOCALE:  Incorrect definition, a place of locality.  Proper usage; “A fitting greeting for former race car driver, Yarborough,”  “You Know;”  “LO-CALE!”

MATER:  Definitely not, the Mother; depicted in the dictionary.  It is a “Red Fruit, produced by THE ‘MATER’ Vines.

NAIRN:  I will not doubt that this was a County in Scotland; however the correct definition in our world is;  “How come you have got two Co-Colers an’ I ain’t got “NAIRN?”

OUTWIT:   To overcome by cunning?  Heck NO!  Plain as day.  “Joe Lee went inta’ that Poker Game wiff two dollars an’ come OUTWIT Seben,”

PETTY CASH:  Money for incidental expenses;?  NO-NO; This is the  amount of winnings derived from the NASCAR circuit by driver Richard.

QUOTIENT:  Certainly not, the result obtained when a number is divided by another!!! Literal usage refers to, “I run that QUOTIENT LIGHT, an’ got me a ticket.”

REPLY::  Here is another of old Noah’s mistakes.  He claims that this means to answer or respond.  Everybody who is anybody;  knows that this is what you do when your PLYWOOD rots.

SCREEN  TEST:  Being tested as a Movie Star?  Why HAIL NO!  It’s simply determining if a fly can get through the mesh SCREEN covering your window.

TELEPLAY:  Not a written account of a television play; Used mostly by Coacjes in the game of Football; i.e. “TELEPLAY” to that dumb ass Quarterback, an he forgets it.”

UNPOLLED:   You would think that Mr.Webster would know that this does not mean, “Not canvassed in a poll.”   It means that the row-boat merely sat there, UNPOLLED.

VACCINE:  The stuff in a shot?  Of course not!  It is what BUBBA calls the waitress at the diner; because he pronounces an M like a V.

WET BAR:   Once again, Noah’s wrong.  IT AIN;T  a serving counter for drinks.  It’s just that; “They ain’t nothin’ slicker’n a WET BAR of soap.”

X-RAY:  Not a photograph of the bones in ones body;  It’s just that “Stella is like a different person since she divorced her X-RAY.

YAM:  Surely everyone knows that this in not a ‘tater.  This is dialogue used by cartoon character “Popeye”, i.e. :I Yam what I Yam,”

ZEAL:  Be reasonable, Noah:  It ain’t intense enthusiasm;  This Here is one of them animals that swim around in the cold waters near the north pole.

Demijon

I sincerely hope that you have learned something.    Dj.

Susie Mae Speaks

Me an’ Susie Mae went down to a meetin’ whot they wus a-holding in the back room uv Silas’ store one night.  Jus ’bout everbody in th holler were thare an’ we’ens went in an’ taken a seat.  Susie Mae were busy a-sayin’ hiddey to all them folks.  Hit didn’t matter none to her that she didn’t know but two er three uv ’em.  She jus wanted all uv them to ouh an’ ahh ’bout the new bonnet whot she had made.

We had no mor’en got sot down, when Silas hit the table wiff a hammer an’ sez,  “Come to order.”  I kinda wanted me a new pair uv overalls, so I got up an’ commenced lookin’ fer the catalog.  Silas, he splained that he meant fer the meetin’ to start.  Susie Mae tolt me later that she thought he were crackin’ walnuts wiff that hammer.

Then Silas axed iffen they had a quorem.  I didn’t say nothin; but I thought I’d hyeared uv a family by that name; but they moved mor’en a year ago.  Somebody whot was a-settin behint us’ens stood up an’ said, “Yessir, Mr Chairman, We has got us a quorem.”  Susie Mae punched me in th ribs an’ whispered, “Jay Henry, honey, them folks ain’t got no business a-bein hear.”  “They’se a-callin him Chairman whenst everbodie knows his name be’s Silas.”

Well’sr, they all argied ’bout this an’ that on fer ’bout a hour an’ finally they got ’round to th footlog ‘cross dead-fall branch.  That thare were whot Susie Mae had come to hyear, seein’s how she had fell off that log mor’en once.  She jumped up an’ axed Silas iffen she could say sumpin.  Silas, he sez, “Susie Mae, you may address the chair.”

He mought as well have done slapped her, fer she flew offen the handle an’ got mad as faar.  She sez, “Silas, you knows that I can’t even back a letter an’ now you’s wontin’ me to rite a address on a dumb ole chair.”  “Iffen y’all axe me, I thank y’all’r all crazy.”  “Only’est reason me an’ Jay Henry come down hyear in th fuss place were to git that thare foot log fixed.”

Them folks went on ’bout they business fer a while an’ th meetin’ broke up or as Silas put hit, they “jurned.”   Whenst me an’ Susie Mae got ready to leave, some womern come up to us an’ tolt Susie Mae that she had made a rale good speech.  Susie Mae jus grinned lak a cow eatin briars and sez, “Yessum, I thot I done rite well.”

That foot log ain’t been fixed to this day but;  Susie Mae has done an’ ˜Cided that she’s aimin’ ta either go into public speechifying,’ er else she mought run fer Magistrate.

Tolt by, Jay Henry:  Writ by Demijon